What Do You Do When the Trust is Gone?

I think most of us have experienced the sting of infidelity, I know I have and it can cut you to the bone.   One of the worst things about being cheated on or the suspicion there of, is the loss of trust.  It seem at first like we lose trust in our partner but I think the biggest lost of trust is the trust we loose in ourselves. 

  Somehow trusting ourselves to believe what is right in front of our eyes can become a challenge.  You may ask yourself, “Can I trust what he is saying?” When the real question is, “ Can I trust myself to know what is true for me deep down, regardless of what he is saying?”  I know it can be incredibly hard, when your heart has been broken to determine what’s the right thing to do.  It’s this kind of  sinking feeling, it’s a feeling I like to call the yo-yo.   

 I call it the yo-yo because it’s that up and down feeling that you get when you don’t trust yourself.  It’s that back and forth that has you on the phone with your girlfriends, rehashing every gory detail, trying to figure out what to do.  The conversation in your head could go something like, “ Maybe the perfume I smelled really was his co-worker’s.  Maybe I’m overreacting.  But how could his co-worker get close enough for him to smell like her perfume?  He must be lying! But, what if he’s not?  Maybe I’m overreacting.  I just don’t know what to do!” 

It’s that place that we’ve all gone to when deep down we know what the truth is but we are either unwilling or unable to accept it at the time.  In that place it becomes easier to wait on him to tell the truth than it is to trust what we know is true for us. 

 So, how do you trust yourself to make the right choice when your head is swimming?  Should you leave, should you stay?  He says that it was a one time thing or worse, that it wasn't him at all! Maybe he says he’s sorry and begs your forgiveness.  And OMGoodness, PLEASE don't let him start crying!  What do you do?

It can be extremely helpful to take a time out.  To just pull back and give yourself some space.  It can be tempting to want to stay close and try to figure out what is happening in your relationship but what is probably going to be most helpful here is to figure out what is going on with you first.  So what is going on with you?   

This is a good place to stop and ask yourself a few questions. Hard question.  The kind of questions that expose the truth and leave no room for doubt.  Questions like, what am I trying to deny or resist dealing with?  What do I already know about this man?  What am I afraid of? What do I really want here?  Is it realistic, based on this persons past behavior, to expect that I can have what I really want in this relationship?  

Search yourself and trust what you find.  I know, this is not always the easiest thing to do, heck it is probably NEVER the easiest thing to do, but it is necessary if you want to have an honest, committed relationship. It can be so easy to confuse ourselves by trying to make sense of the situation or focusing our attention on him. To put the responsibility on him to “tell” us what, most of the time, we already know. I can remember telling myself that I was only snooping through my old boyfriend’s stuff, so I could finallyknow the “truth”, when the fact that I was snooping through his things was truth enough. Trust me; there is NEVER enough evidence to tell you something you don’t really want to know.  Lying to ourselves and allowing others to lie to us is only going to bring more heart break.

 Yes, part of this is about whether you can trust him or not but the bigger part is about trusting yourself and believing what you already know to be true within.  Know this, no one can tell you to stay or to go and if they did you are probably going to do what you want to do anyway, goodness knows I did.  People can support you and listen BUT no one can make the decision to do what’s best for you, only you can do that.  The choice is yours.  So I ask you, where are you NOT trusting yourself and what needs to change?