And When I Wake Up, Everything I Went Through Will Be Beautiful.....

As you guys know I am a huge music fan.  Last week I bought Jill Scott’s new CD, In Light of The Sun, and all I can say is that I am in LOVE!!!  Now, I am a huge Jill Scott fan anyway, so this is not totally shocking but one of her songs REALLY struck a nerve with me this past week.  

The song, When I Wake Up, is absolutely gorgeous.  It talks about love, loss and recovery.  She talks about living in that place where you know you need to move on and that something better is coming but you just can’t let go.  She sings, beautifully I might add,  “When I wake up, everything I went through will be beautiful. And when I wake up, and I will wake up, it will be beautiful.”  

I guess these words are so profound because I know them to be true.  Having experienced my own personal tragedy (my first husband passing) and with the 10th anniversary of 9/11, this past Sunday, this song seemed to reach out and grab me.  The enormity of loss, remembering those who were lost and moving forward seemed to be the theme of the weekend.  

Loss can be a gut wrenching part of life and moving forward after loss can feel impossible.  However, loss is something that I found, I had to walk through to find healing.  There was no way around it (no matter how much I wished there was).  And anyone who has ever suffered a tremendous loss knows that loss doesn't process it’s self, nor will the pain go away on it’s own, it’s something we have to learn to move through.  But take heart because there is a gift......

That gift is that, as Jill sang, when we wake up, everything we went through will be beautiful.  And 5 years out from my own tragedy, I know these words to be true.  Because I feel like I am waking up and when I look around my life, everything is beautiful.  Now, don’t get me wrong, these past 5 years were filled with a whole lot of tears, struggles, some laughter and some even some joy.  I had to rebuild much of my life and in some ways totally redefine myself.  

I learned that I was stronger that I could have ever imagined.  I have discovered parts of me that I would have never found otherwise.  I have found that I love yoga and have started running, who knew? And to my surprise, I have found a deep and fulfilling love.  The kind of love I believed you only get once in your life, I have found again. 

 Of course its different but just as deep and satisfying. In some ways it’s actually deeper, because I am deeper. Working through loss has a way of adding depth to your life that you couldn't otherwise imagine. I can still hear my coach saying to me, in one of my darkest hours, “Crystal, the degree to which you are willing to grieve, will be the degree to which you will be able to love, once the pain goes away”.  And boy, was she right.

I discovered that moving forward and having a wonderful life has nothing to do with how much I loved my late husband or my life before his passing.  It has everything to do with being grateful for the life I had and then letting go of that life, because that life ended.  Learning to love my life, as it is, is how I honor my past and my present. There are rough patches here and there and I still have a good ‘cry session’ when I need to but I can honestly say humbly and with gratitude: “Everything I went through is BEAUTIFUL”.