And When I Wake Up, Everything I Went Through Will Be Beautiful.....

As you guys know I am a huge music fan.  Last week I bought Jill Scott’s new CD, In Light of The Sun, and all I can say is that I am in LOVE!!!  Now, I am a huge Jill Scott fan anyway, so this is not totally shocking but one of her songs REALLY struck a nerve with me this past week.  

The song, When I Wake Up, is absolutely gorgeous.  It talks about love, loss and recovery.  She talks about living in that place where you know you need to move on and that something better is coming but you just can’t let go.  She sings, beautifully I might add,  “When I wake up, everything I went through will be beautiful. And when I wake up, and I will wake up, it will be beautiful.”  

I guess these words are so profound because I know them to be true.  Having experienced my own personal tragedy (my first husband passing) and with the 10th anniversary of 9/11, this past Sunday, this song seemed to reach out and grab me.  The enormity of loss, remembering those who were lost and moving forward seemed to be the theme of the weekend.  

Loss can be a gut wrenching part of life and moving forward after loss can feel impossible.  However, loss is something that I found, I had to walk through to find healing.  There was no way around it (no matter how much I wished there was).  And anyone who has ever suffered a tremendous loss knows that loss doesn't process it’s self, nor will the pain go away on it’s own, it’s something we have to learn to move through.  But take heart because there is a gift......

That gift is that, as Jill sang, when we wake up, everything we went through will be beautiful.  And 5 years out from my own tragedy, I know these words to be true.  Because I feel like I am waking up and when I look around my life, everything is beautiful.  Now, don’t get me wrong, these past 5 years were filled with a whole lot of tears, struggles, some laughter and some even some joy.  I had to rebuild much of my life and in some ways totally redefine myself.  

I learned that I was stronger that I could have ever imagined.  I have discovered parts of me that I would have never found otherwise.  I have found that I love yoga and have started running, who knew? And to my surprise, I have found a deep and fulfilling love.  The kind of love I believed you only get once in your life, I have found again. 

 Of course its different but just as deep and satisfying. In some ways it’s actually deeper, because I am deeper. Working through loss has a way of adding depth to your life that you couldn't otherwise imagine. I can still hear my coach saying to me, in one of my darkest hours, “Crystal, the degree to which you are willing to grieve, will be the degree to which you will be able to love, once the pain goes away”.  And boy, was she right.

I discovered that moving forward and having a wonderful life has nothing to do with how much I loved my late husband or my life before his passing.  It has everything to do with being grateful for the life I had and then letting go of that life, because that life ended.  Learning to love my life, as it is, is how I honor my past and my present. There are rough patches here and there and I still have a good ‘cry session’ when I need to but I can honestly say humbly and with gratitude: “Everything I went through is BEAUTIFUL”.

What My Hair Continues to Teach Me About Love and Life

This week the SoulMate Coach Crystal Show is all about beauty and putting your ‘best’ face forward. Needless to say, I have been thinking about beauty, a lot!  Most of this has to do with my hair and going natural.  If you read my post last week I really loved my hair BUT what I am learning that natural hair, much like life, cannot be completely controlled!  There are always variables. You can work with it, befriend it and try to coerce it into acting 'right' but for the most part it is going to do what it wants to do.   And you either  find your peace with it or you don't!  It has opened my eyes to a whole new world when it comes to appreciating my own beauty.    

 I am living in a world, a kind of Twilight Zone existence,  where I am having to define and re-define my own sense of beauty almost daily.  A place where what worked yesterday might not work tomorrow and there is not much I can do about it.  A world where sometimes I feel like a Nubian queen other days I feel unsure and awkward. A little voice can creep up and ask, ‘Do I look crazy?  Am I still pretty?  What the HECK made me think I could do this?’    

This doesn't only affect me, it has touched my husband too! Oh, my poor, poor  husband!  The first week or two, after I took my weave out was probably pure hell for him. He tries to act like me asking him 100 times a day ( okay, it was probably less but you get the picture), ‘ How does my hair look’, was no problem.  BUT I know it was hard for him, and I am sure he is glad that I have come through that phase.   

 Then there are the pep talks I have started giving myself.  They usually go something like this, ‘Crystal you are beautiful no matter how you wear your hair.  Your hair does NOT define you! Now shine on child! Shine on!” Now even though I know these words are true, sometimes this works and sometimes it doesn't!   Seeing our beauty should be easy right?  Then why the heck is it so hard sometimes?   

I guess that’s because connecting with our sense of beauty is not always as easy as we would like it to be.  I am not talking about superficial beauty,  I’m talking about really  feeling good in our own skin.  Appreciating ourselves when we don't look our best or learning to love and appreciate who we are, warts and all, really takes work.  It is the kind of work that can be gritty and hard BUT it also necessary when it comes building up our sense of self. I've GOT to be grounded in loving me before I can love another or even allow someone else to truly love me.   

What I know is this; every relationship that we have with another is a reflection of the relationship we have with ourselves.  It is impossible to have a relationship full of love and acceptance, if we can’t love and accept ourselves and I am finding that this love and acceptance can start with something as simple as learning to see my beauty as I adjust to wearing my hair natural!  Who knew?  I guess that’s the beauty of living, you learn something new every day!  Where do you need to learn to love and accept your own beauty?  What are you willing to commit to doing today, to show yourself more love and acceptance in this area?