Monday, December 12, 2011

Are You Addicted to Painful Relationships?



As we prepare for a new year, isn't it time that YOU had the relationship of your dreams? Well, that can be very hard to do if you are addicted to painful relationships!


Do you feel like you are stuck in a "cycle" of bad relationships? Have you ever had that "gut feeling" that a guy is no good for you but you got involved with him anyway? Do you find yourself inexplicably attracted to "bad boys" even though you know it'll only lead to heartbreak? Then you just might addicted to painful relationships. This week we will be discussing the signs of being addicted to painful relationships and what to do if this is you!


When: Monday, December 12, 2011
Time: 7:00-7:30PM EST

Where: www.blogtalkradio.com/SoulMate-Coach-Crystal or call in to listen live or comment by dialing 760-512-7255 

This show is the go-to show for real relationship advice and insight! Come on out and get you relationship "Aha" moment! If this show is not for you, pay it forward and please pass this info along to someone who could use it, because everyone who wants the relationship of their dreams should have the opportunity to have it! *This episode is a re-broadcast, so I won't be taking calls* See you on the Radio! 


Blessings.......Crystal

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Where Are YOUR Relationship Blind Spots?


Are you tired of ending up in dead end relationships? Well, how do you end up there? When it comes to painful relationships and heartache, do you feel blindsided? Are you constantly asking yourself, "Where did I go wrong? What did I miss?" I want to help you uncover your relationship blind spots!

As a relationship coach, I hear it time and time again, 'How did I end up here AGAIN? I don't understand!" The truth is when we find ourselves STUCK in this painful place, we usually have HUGE blind spots! We miss the warning signs because we don't recognize them or we don't understand the meaning of them. Well, this week ALL that will change! We are going to shine a BRIGHT light on these blind spots and break this cycle of painful relationships FOEVER!

When: Monday, November 28, 2011
Time: 7:00-7:30PM EST

Where: www.blogtalkradio.com/SoulMate-Coach-Crystal or call in to listen live or comment by dialing 760-512-7255 

This show is quickly becoming the go-to show for real relationship advice and insight! Come on out and get you relationship "Aha" moment! 

Some of you are happily single or married and this is NOT for you and I am happy for you =)! BUT, IF YOU KNOW OF SOMEONE WHO WOULD ENJOY THIS OR COULD BENEFIT, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO PASS THIS INFORMATION ALONG. Together we can break the cycle of painful relationships and unlock the door to the relationship of your dreams. See you on the radio!

Blessings,

Crystal

Monday, November 14, 2011

How to Talk So He Listens

How to Talk So He Listens and Listen So He Talks Pt1

                                   






                                                   How to Talk So He LISTENS and LISTEN SO He Talks PT1

Okay, so we have heard it over and over: Communication is a HUGE part of being in a happy and healthy relationship. Probably the most important part. But HOW do REALLY communicate? What's the secret to REAL communication that brings about REAL change in your relationship? How can YOU communicate in a way that allows YOU to have the relationship of your dreams?

Look at your current or past relationships and ask yourself these questions. Are you tired of hinting, asking or practically begging for what you want only for him to STILL not get it? Does it seem like you are constantly repeating yourself to your partner, yet things stay the same? Have you resorted to nagging, fussing and complaining JUST to get your point across?

If you answers yes to any of these questions and you are ready for change, DON'T miss this weeks show! I will be sharing some stuff that will change the way you communicate forever!

And this is just part 1!!! Next week we will tackle how to LISTEN so he talks! Are you tired of NOT knowing what is going on with your partner? Tired of asking, "Whats going on with you?', only to be met with a blank stare, a shoulder shrug or, the famous, I don't want to talk about it? Sooo frustrating! But it doesn't have to be and next week ALL of that will change! So make sure to join me for this 2 part, relationship changing program, where YOU will learn to talk so he listens and listen so he talks!

When: Monday, November 14, 2011
Time: 7:00-7:30PM EST

Where: www.blogtalkradio.com/SoulMate-Coach-Crystal or call in to listen live or comment by dialing 760-512-7255

This show is quickly becoming the go-to show for real relationship advice and insight! Come on out and get you relationship "Aha" moment!

Some of you are happily single or married and this is NOT for you and I am happy for you =)! BUT, IF YOU KNOW OF SOMEONE WHO WOULD ENJOY THIS OR COULD BENEFIT, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO PASS THIS INFORMATION ALONG. Together we can break the cycle of painful relationships and unlock the door to the relationship of your dreams. See you on the radio!

Blessings,

Crystal

Monday, October 17, 2011

Get MORE of What You Want in Your Relationship Pt2

How to Get MORE of What You Want Pt 2








Last week's show was soooo juicy that I couldn't get it all into one episode! You guys know I like to give GOOD information that promotes healthy changes in relationships. Last week I felt like I would be cheating you if I gave you all of these steps on how to get more of what you want, without giving you any insight as to WHY you are where you are. And as you guy's know I like to cram more information into 30 minutes, than the law should allow and last weeks show took it to the limit! So, I had to break it down into two parts to make sure that you got ALL the juicy details on getting more of what you want in your relationship!

On last weeks episode we got REALLY clear on WHY you are not getting what you want in your relationship! Now, its time to hear exactly HOW to get more of what you want!

Know this, whether you are married, in a relationship or dating, there IS a way of communicating that allows you to have MORE of want you want in your relationship. And now that you know WHY you're not getting what you want, tune in to find out the secret to EXACTLY HOW to get more of what you want in your relationship!

When: Monday, October 17, 2011
Time: 7:00-7:30PM EST

Where: www.blogtalkradio.com/SoulMate-Coach-Crystal or call in to listen live or comment by dialing 760-512-7255

This show is quickly becoming the go-to show for real relationship advice and insight! Come on out and get you relationship "Aha" moment! Because it's time to break the cycle of painful relationships and unlock the door to the relationship of your dreams! And I want to help you do just that!

Some of you are happily single or married and this is NOT for you and I am happy for you =)! BUT, IF YOU KNOW OF SOMEONE WHO WOULD ENJOY THIS OR COULD BENEFIT, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO PASS THIS INFORMATION ALONG. Together we can break the cycle of painful relationships and unlock the door to the relationship of your dreams. See you on the radio!

Blessings,

Crystal

Monday, September 19, 2011

Are You Attracted to Men That Are Fixer Uppers Pt2?




What is the difference between being a loving, supportive woman and  doing way to much for your partner?  It is a fine line that, once crossed, lead us into fixer-upper land. It determines whether you will have a healthy, happy relationship or heartbreak.  

 On this weeks episode of the SoulMate Coach Crystal Show we will be discussing what to do if you are attracted to fixer-uppers.  The problem is, sometimes we don't see the part we play in attracting certain men into our lives.  

In this video I will discuss how to determine if you are unknowingly  attracting men that are Fixer-Uppers into your life. Blessings........Crystal

Are You Attracted to Men That Are Fixer-Uppers?



Are you attracted always to that guy that needs JUST needs a little (which always turns out to be a lot of) love, support and WORK to reach his full potential? You know, the guy who almost has it together but can never quite get it together? That one with sooo much potential that he never seems to live up to.

Or perhaps, he’s the one that you’ve supported through thick and thin only to have him disappear after he reaches his goal? If you’ve  ever co-signed for a car, pulled all nighters, supported him in his business start up or through school only to have him never reach his potential or walk away once he does, this episode is for you!

I will share with you how and why this happens and how to keep it from happening to you again! This is going to be powerful stuff! You don't want to miss this life and relationship changing episode!

When: Monday, September 19, 2011

Time: 7:00-7:30PM EST

Where: www.blogtalkradio.com/SoulMate-Coach-Crystal or call in to listen live or comment by dialing 760-512-7255.

This show is quickly becoming the go-to show for real relationship advice and insight! I cram more info into 30 minutes than the law should allow!! So, come on out and get you relationship "Aha" moment!

Some of you are happily single or married and this is NOT for you and I am happy for you, that is a beautiful thing. However, there are people that you probably know WHO are hurting and want to experience the same happiness and peace that you have found. So pay it forward and PLEASE PASS THIS INFORMATION ALONG TO THEM. Together we can break the cycle of painful relationships and unlock the door to the relationship of your dreams. See you on the radio!

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT: On Monday, September, 26th, there will be no live broadcast of the SoulMate Crystal Show. The regular show will resume on Monday, October, 3rd.

Blessings,

Crystal

Monday, September 12, 2011

And When I Wake Up, Everything I Went Through Will Be Beautiful.....


As you guys know I am a huge music fan.  Last week I bought Jill Scott’s new CD, In Light of The Sun, and all I can say is that I am in LOVE!!!  Now, I am a huge Jill Scott fan anyway, so this is not totally shocking but one of her songs REALLY struck a nerve with me this past week.  

The song, When I Wake Up, is absolutely gorgeous.  It talks about love, loss and recovery.  She talks about living in that place where you know you need to move on and that something better is coming but you just can’t let go.  She sings, beautifully I might add,  “When I wake up, everything I went through will be beautiful. And when I wake up, and I will wake up, it will be beautiful.”  
I guess these words are so profound because I know them to be true.  Having experienced my own personal tragedy (my first husband passing) and with the 10th anniversary of 9/11, this past Sunday, this song seemed to reach out and grab me.  The enormity of loss, remembering those who were lost and moving forward seemed to be the theme of the weekend.  
Loss can be a gut wrenching part of life and moving forward after loss can feel impossible.  However, loss is something that I found, I had to walk through to find healing.  There was no way around it (no matter how much I wished there was).  And anyone who has ever suffered a tremendous loss knows that loss doesn't process it’s self, nor will the pain go away on it’s own, it’s something we have to learn to move through.  But take heart because there is a gift......
That gift is that, as Jill sang, when we wake up, everything we went through will be beautiful.  And 5 years out from my own tragedy, I know these words to be true.  Because I feel like I am waking up and when I look around my life, everything is beautiful.  Now, don’t get me wrong, these past 5 years were filled with a whole lot of tears, struggles, some laughter and some even some joy.  I had to rebuild much of my life and in some ways totally redefine myself.  
I learned that I was stronger that I could have ever imagined.  I have discovered parts of me that I would have never found otherwise.  I have found that I love yoga and have started running, who knew? And to my surprise, I have found a deep and fulfilling love.  The kind of love I believed you only get once in your life, I have found again. 
 Of course its different but just as deep and satisfying. In some ways it’s actually deeper, because I am deeper. Working through loss has a way of adding depth to your life that you couldn't otherwise imagine. I can still hear my coach saying to me, in one of my darkest hours, “Crystal, the degree to which you are willing to grieve, will be the degree to which you will be able to love, once the pain goes away”.  And boy, was she right.
I discovered that moving forward and having a wonderful life has nothing to do with how much I loved my late husband or my life before his passing.  It has everything to do with being grateful for the life I had and then letting go of that life, because that life ended.  Learning to love my life, as it is, is how I honor my past and my present. There are rough patches here and there and I still have a good ‘cry session’ when I need to but I can honestly say humbly and with gratitude: “Everything I went through is BEAUTIFUL”.

Monday, September 5, 2011

ERYKAH BADU LIVE - BAG LADY


In honor of today's show! Listen to these lyrics. So profound and TRUE!!! Blessings......Crystal

Are You An Emotional Bag Lady?


 ARE YOU AN EMOTIONAL BAG LADY?

Bag lady you gone hurt your back
Dragging all them bags like that
I guess nobody ever told you
All you must hold on to
Is you, is you, is you ~Bag Lady By Erykah Badu

Remember this song? Carrying around emotional bagging is both draining frustrating.  It sucks all of the jou and happiness out of you life and relationships.  And as Eryhah say's in the afore mentioned song, its time to: let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go!  

Are you tired of dragging around emotional baggage?  Do you find yourself feeling stuck in a cycle of painful and dead end relationships? Do you know 'what' you need to change but you don't know 'how' or where to start? Then take heart, this show is for you. 

Past hurts, disappointments and painful relationships don't have to plague you forever. You can put down your emotional baggage for once and for all and I want to show you how. So make sure to join me this Monday on the SoulMate Coach Crystal show! Its time to FREE yourself of your emotional baggage and have the life and relationship that you truly desire.   So join me for this lively and interesting conversation!
               
When: Monday, September 5, 2011

Time: 7:00-7:30PM EST

Where: The SoulMate Coach Crystal Show or call in to listen live or comment by dialing 760-512-7255

This show is quickly becoming the go-to show for real relationship advice and insight! Come on out and get you relationship "Aha" moment!

Some of you are happily single or married and this is NOT for you and I am happy for you, that is a beautiful thing. However, there are people that you probably know WHO are hurting and want to experience the same happiness and peace that you have found. So pay it forward and PLEASE PASS THIS INFORMATION ALONG TO THEM. Together we can break the cycle of painful relationships and unlock the door to the relationship of your dreams. See you on the radio!

Blessings,

Crystal 

Do You Need To Lower Your Standards to Find Love?



Are your standards too high? Are your standards blocking you when it comes to love? Do you need to lower your standards to find love? This video addresses these questions.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Are You Suffering From The Ms.Boss Syndrome?

Its that time again!!!!  Time for the SoulMate Coach Crystal Show!!!  And this week we will be taking a look at the Ms. Boss Syndrome.  How can you tell if you have the syndrome? Well. here are a few questions to help you clarify:  Are you constantly accused of being bossy and/or controlling? Do you ALWAYS have to have the last word? Do you tend to believe that YOUR way is ALWAYS the best way? Is it hard for you to hear and respect a different opinion? Well, guess what? If you answered yes to most of the questions you most likely suffer from the MS. Boss Syndrome! 

And if you answered mostly no's, don't get too excited! Because there is still a good chance that you suffer from the syndrome and you are just are in denial. One of the main symptoms of the syndrome is an inability to see a problem with our bossy behavior (the Ms. Boss Syndrome is veeerryyyy tricky). It's not that you are bossy, it's just that you ideas ARE always better LOL! 



But seriously, as successful sista's we have to handle a lot and in order to experience the kind of success we have it is important to be able to take control at times. There are times when it is absolutely necessary to be the boss! But what happens when we can't turn Ms. Boss off? How does being Ms. Boss 24-7 affect your dating life, relationship or marriage? What are the signs that you are too bossy? Join me this Monday on the SoulMate Coach Crystal Show, where we pack more info into 30 minutes than the law should allow, to get the answers to these questions and more!!! 

When: Monday, August 29, 2011
Time: 7:00-7:30PM EST

Where: www.blogtalkradio.com/SoulMate-Coach-Crystal or call in to listen live or comment by dialing 760-512-7255 

This show is quickly becoming the go-to show for real relationship advice and insight! Come on out and get you relationship "Aha" moment!  Also, ALL previous episodes are available on-demand and iTunes-FREE!!!  

Some of you are happily single or married and this is NOT for you and I am happy for you, love is a beautiful thing. However, there are people that you probably know WHO are hurting and want to experience the same happiness and peace that you have found. So pay it forward and PLEASE PASS THIS INFORMATION ALONG TO THEM. Together we can break the cycle of painful relationships and unlock the door to the relationship of your dreams. See you on the radio!

Blessings,

Crystal

What An Earthquake and Hurricane Ireane Taught Me.....

The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond. ~Rumi~

Now, I am one of those people that believes that everything that happens can teach me something.  I don’t believe in coincidence or luck.  Call me crazy but I believe that there is a lesson to be learned, even though I may not like it (and trust me I don’t always like it), for whatever is happening.  So am always looking for the connection between what is happening in the world around me and what I can learn from it.  And last week was no different.  Except for one big difference, at first I could see no real lesson!
I mean, c’mon man!  We had an earthquake on Tuesday and a hurricane on Saturday in case you missed it, and I could find no real lesson?!?!   This has got to be some kind of cosmic joke, right?  
Then I came across this poem this morning and one huge lesson hit me like a ton of bricks!  The reality that life happens and there are times when there is not a whole lot we can do about it. Life can be stormy, windy and scary one day and clear blue skies the next. Or  it can be a beautiful sunny day and the earth moves under your feet shaking the very foundation you though was so solid.....
The hurricane and earthquake are such a reflection of life in so many ways.  The earthquake was one of those unexpected things.  No one knew or expected it. We are, after all on the East Coast! Earthquakes don’t happen here, right? The nervousness and uneasiness.  What if it happens again? How do you really expect the unexpected?
And then there was Hurricane Irene, well we all knew she was coming.  So, we nervously awaited her arrival.  We watch, we waited, we hoped and we prayed.  We prepared (and some of us bought wayyyyy to much food) for the worse and hoped for the best. Then we finally entered the storm half scared to death on one day(and if you weren’t scared to death, it certainly wasn't because the news didn’t try !) only to awaken to a sunny day.  
It’s almost like the universe was reminding us that there are times when that all we can do is learn to find peace with whatever shows up at our door.  That this human body is indeed our ‘Guest House’.  Be it external, like an earthquake under our feet or hurricane of anger, resentment or pain from within.  
There is something to be learned, the possibility of seeing our ‘bad’ experience as something that we can learn from, instead of something to run away from or try to forget.  Who knows, maybe this experience could actually be preparing us for something wonderful if we learn what ‘it’ came to teach us.  Not that it will always be easy to do or that we should pretend that things are okay when they are not.  But there is definitely a gift in learning to accept and find peace with the seemingly ‘bad’ parts of ourselves and the world around us.  Where are you holding on to anxiety, anger or hurt?  What lessons could they be trying to teach you?

Monday, August 22, 2011

Why He's NOT Asking You Out



Has it been weeks, months or even years since your last real date? Or have you met nice guys, exchanged numbers, talked on the phone (maybe for hours), even shared GREAT chemistry BUT you seldom if EVER get asked out? I have heard quite a few women complain about this exact thing! Either great dates are few and far between or when they do meet someone they wait 2, 3 even 4 weeks and still no date! What the heck is this all about? Well, join me tonight where I will get to the nitty-gritty and give you the real deal on: Why He's Not Asking You Out!

Monday, August 8, 2011

Breaking Up is Hard to Do But Moving on Can Be Harder.




When my first husband passed away, I learned quite a bit about letting go and moving on.  I experienced, first hand, the pain of having a hole in the middle of my life and not being able to do a darn thing about it.  I know what it means to dial a cell phone number and get the voice mail, knowing he'll never answer again.  Like I said, life has taught me quite a few lessons about letting go and moving on.  


Breaking up is seldom easy to do but it can be the moving forward and getting on with life that can feel like torture.  Letting go of a past relationship requires that we let go of not only the past but of all hopes and dreams that we had for our relationship.  All of the familiarity, inside jokes, silly sayings and whatever else has been built over the course of the relationship gets stripped away and we are left with a very harsh reality.  IT IS OVER!   

No wonder we don't want to let go!  Can you blame a girl for pining away, hoping and or  praying that he will come back?  Maybe he will change his mind or magically change into a completelydifferent person and FINALLY be the partner I've wanted him to be for all these years!  I know it sounds silly but honeeeyyyy, we can conjure up all kinds of unlikely outcomes, when we don't want to deal with the pain that is looking us in the face.  Unfortunately this is one of those places in life that you can't go over, you can't go under and you can't go around it, you have to go (and find a way to get) through it.  So what is a broken hearted girl to do, when clearly her relationship is over and she still can't seem to move on?

Here are a few things that helped me to move on in my life after being widowed.  Maybe they will help you too....

  1. I had to stop running from the pain.  Mainly because I began to realize that I could not outrun it.  This meant that I had to slow down and feel what was happening and let me tell you, this part sucked!  This part of the process that was probably the most gut wrenching but this part also allowed me to begin to deal with reality.  And the reality is; letting go of someone that you still love it is going to hurt like the dickens and the longer you run the longer it stays with you.
  2. I had to get real.  No person or relationship is perfect .  Although that is exactly how we want to paint them when we don’t want to let them go.  I had to admit my life and relationship were not always rosy.  This step was tough because my first husband passed and you know, once someone passes away it is easy to make them a saint.  But when I got real, I had to admit that he was not perfect and nor was I.  Our relationship was a real relationship with some really great times and some times that were hard as hell.  Getting real helped to bring me out of denial and if there’s one thing that will slow your progress to a halt, it’s denial!
  3. I had to remind myself that life could and would be beautiful again.  Although I had a wonderful relationship in the past, that was not the end of happiness for me.  So many people told me that you only get one great love in you’re life, that I believed them, for a while.  But you know what, that’s not true and don’t let anyone convince you that that was your one shot at love and happiness.  Only YOU get to decided that and if you decide that you’ll never be happy again, you won’t (until you decided to be happy again).  
  4. Lastly, I had to make a conscious effort to find my happiness and see the beauty in my own life.  This did take time and energy and there were times where I would slip back into moping.  However, slowly but surly I felt myself moving away from feeling stuck in sadness and enjoying my life again.  I admit, this is not always easy but it is definitely an important part of moving on.  Because if you don’t see your life as great, who else will?
Although moving on after a breakup can be tough, it can be done.  It just takes a little time and effort (okay, okay maybe a lot of time and effort) but the point is it can be done.    So take courage and know, as the old folks say, “This too shall pass”.




Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Are You Dating An Emotionally Abusive Man?

Life has a way of teaching us what we need to learn.  With this weeks SoulMate Coach Crystal show being about emotionally abusive relationships, I can’t help but to think of all the things that I have experienced in this life and all the lesson that I have learned.   

The lesson of what emotional abuse looks like is one that I learned, at he hands of an ex-boyfriend, over 20 years ago that stays fresh in my mind.  It is something you never forget.  It can range from that subtle feeling of not being good enough all the way to feeling outright disrespected and everywhere in-between. 

I will never forget the very first time I experienced it.  It was a small statement but one that rubbed me the wrong way instantly.  I don’t remember the exact conversation but I do remember making a statement about something.  I don’t even remember what the statement was BUT boy do I remember his response.  First came a face that he made.  It was an expression that mixed confusion with bewilderment.  Then can the question followed by a comment, in an almost innocent tone, “ How could you ever think that? I’m not saying that you are stupid but that comment sure sounded stupid.”   Just like that I had entered the land of being verbal abused. 

Did he just say I was stupid?  My mind reeled.  No, he said, I SOUNDED stupid and I was overreacting.  He laughed it off and I tried to do the same but something big had shifted and I knew it (even though I wasn't ready to see it yet).  A small voice inside said,  ‘Someone who says they love you shouldn't make you feel like this’.  But I stayed anyway and the comments grew more aggressive and the arguments became venomous.  I’d say I was leaving, he’d woo me back in and the cycle would start all over again, each time a little worse than the last.  It slowly moved from emotional to really vicious verbal abuse and finally I knew, without question, that it was time to go, for good.  
  
When I look back on that time in my life and ask why did I stay, although there were many factors it boils down to a pretty basic answer.  I didn't trust or want to believe that he was showing me who he was.  An emotionally, verbally and eventually (after we broke up) physically abusive man who needed to control everything around him, including me.  I told myself he didn’t mean the harsh and scathing things he would say to me.  I ignored my gut and convinced myself that he was just going through a really tough time and things would get better. When the truth was, what he was going through was only exposing that he had controlling and abusive tendencies that were not going to go away.  

So, what’s the moral of the story?   To trust and believe.  Learning to  believe what I see and trust myself when I sense something isn't right; serves me to this very day.   I knew with that very first comment that something was not right but I didn’t trust myself enough to believe what I saw and go with my gut.  Sure I loved him, in a teenaged love kind of way, and I was young (around 17 or 18) but I certainly can’t say that I didn’t know any better.  Because with hindsight being 20/20, I can see that I did know better, I just had to learn to trust and believe what I already knew.  If you are questioning whether your relationship is verbally, emotionally or physically abusive ask your self this question: Where am I not trusting and believing what I already know?

Monday, August 1, 2011

Are You Dating An Emotionally Abusive Man?



Have you experienced emotional abuse in past relationships? How can you tell if you are in an emotionally abusive relationship? Where does expressing anger and/or frustration turn into emotional abuse? What is the difference between constructive and destructive criticism?

Feeling 'less than', like you have to prove yourself to your partner or being constantly defensive in your relationship are all sighs that you are experiencing or have experienced emotional abuse somewhere.

Sometimes recognizing emotional abuse can be hard. Because a lot of us grew up experiencing it, so we think that it is normal. The problem is, over the course of a relationship emotional abuse eats away at our self esteem and sense of self. It erodes our confidence and can leave us defensive, insecure and unsure of ourselves. This costs us big time. Because even if the emotionally abusive relationship ends we still carry the scars with us into our next relationship. 

Monday, July 25, 2011

Why Smart Women Miss Red Flags.


Relationship red flags, we've all seen them and we've all ignored them at sometime in our lives.  I know I've turned a blind eye a time or two in my own life (okay it's probably more than that) so this whole thing of 'relationship red flags' always gets my attention.  Because recognizing the signs early can save us a whole lot of pain in the end.  It like the saying goes, an ounce of prevention is work a pound of cure.  Or something like that.....  

So, why is this that we miss huge red flags when dating?  Why is it that hind sight is always 20/20 but foresight is more like 40/60? We can look back on a past relationship and slap our hand to our forehead and think, 'Whoa!  How the heck did I miss that?'  Not to mention the fact that we can seem to spot a red flag a mile away when it comes to our girlfriends, yet when it comes to our own lives we miss big GLARING red flags!  

 This very conversation came up with one of my clients.  She, like many women, is that friend that all of her friends come to for advice and she gives them great dating advice.  That was the problem,  she could instantly recognize a red flag when her friend was dating someone but somehow scoundrels continued to sneak into her life undetected, until their dastardly deeds were somehow exposed.  By the time she recognized the red flags, it was always too late.  "What is wrong with me?  How can I give other people such great advice and not recognize those same red flags when I'm dating someone? ", she asked.    

 We talked a little more and 3 basic reasons emerged as to why she missed or sometimes outright ignored relationship red flags.  I realized that these were things most if not all of us had done at sometime or another in our lives.  So, I've decided to share them with you guys.  Drumroll please........  Here are the top 3 reasons why smart women miss red flags.   

  1. You don't want to know.  Now this is always a good one.  Not wanting to know or 'ignorant bliss', as I like to call it, is always a wonderful way to set yourself up for heartbreak.  This happens when we unintentionally or very intentionally turn off our radar.  We usually do this when a man is saying all the right things, has got our head swimming and we are feeling so good we don't want to hear 'no bad news'.  So we ignore the obvious until the evidence can no longer be denied.
  2. Desperation.  Now this is a low down dirty one.  The worst part of desperation is it creeps up on us.  Slowly seeping into our subconsciousness. Desperation says things like, “You are getting up there in age.  So what, he’s not working consistently, you make good money! You can support him until he gets on his feet.  You don’t want to end up alone do you?  This could be your last chance, you better make it work!” 
  3. Then there is the unmet need.  Sometimes we are not aware of how much we are craving things like attention, admiration or appreciation until someone gives us a little.  We try to convince ourselves that we don’t need something that we actually need very much!  Not staying in touch with ourselves and our needs can make us easy pickin’s when it comes to dating ‘Mr. No Good”.  Because if I don’t know that I am hungry for attention and the wrong guy figures this out (and the odds are he will) AND  he begins to fill that need, I’m in trouble! 

        So, here you have it.  Three of the main reasons that we miss red flags in our own relationships.  Well, these are 3 of the main reasons that my client and I came up with for why she found it hard to recognize red flags in her dating life.  But I think they are pretty universal and I can relate to every single one.  And I know some of your guys can relate too. So, take a minute and take a look at past current or past relationships and ask your self the hard question.  Where are you guilty of doing one or all of the above?

      How to Recognize Relationship Red Flags.


      They say hind sight is 20/20 BUT wouldn't it be great to be able to identify relationship red flags right away? How much heart ache could you have avoided it you would have known how to recognize a red flag? How can you avoid making painful relationship choices that bite you in the butt?


      Monday, July 18, 2011

      What My Hair Continues to Teach Me About Love and Life


      This week the SoulMate Coach Crystal Show is all about beauty and putting your ‘best’ face forward. Needless to say, I have been thinking about beauty, a lot!  Most of this has to do with my hair and going natural.  If you read my post last week I really loved my hair BUT what I am learning that natural hair, much like life, cannot be completely controlled!  There are always variables. You can work with it, befriend it and try to coerce it into acting 'right' but for the most part it is going to do what it wants to do.   And you either  find your peace with it or you don't!  It has opened my eyes to a whole new world when it comes to appreciating my own beauty.    

       I am living in a world, a kind of Twilight Zone existence,  where I am having to define and re-define my own sense of beauty almost daily.  A place where what worked yesterday might not work tomorrow and there is not much I can do about it.  A world where sometimes I feel like a Nubian queen other days I feel unsure and awkward. A little voice can creep up and ask, ‘Do I look crazy?  Am I still pretty?  What the HECK made me think I could do this?’    

      This doesn't only affect me, it has touched my husband too! Oh, my poor, poor  husband!  The first week or two, after I took my weave out was probably pure hell for him. He tries to act like me asking him 100 times a day ( okay, it was probably less but you get the picture), ‘ How does my hair look’, was no problem.  BUT I know it was hard for him, and I am sure he is glad that I have come through that phase.   

       Then there are the pep talks I have started giving myself.  They usually go something like this, ‘Crystal you are beautiful no matter how you wear your hair.  Your hair does NOT define you! Now shine on child! Shine on!” Now even though I know these words are true, sometimes this works and sometimes it doesn't!   Seeing our beauty should be easy right?  Then why the heck is it so hard sometimes?   

      I guess that’s because connecting with our sense of beauty is not always as easy as we would like it to be.  I am not talking about superficial beauty,  I’m talking about really  feeling good in our own skin.  Appreciating ourselves when we don't look our best or learning to love and appreciate who we are, warts and all, really takes work.  It is the kind of work that can be gritty and hard BUT it also necessary when it comes building up our sense of self. I've GOT to be grounded in loving me before I can love another or even allow someone else to truly love me.   

      What I know is this; every relationship that we have with another is a reflection of the relationship we have with ourselves.  It is impossible to have a relationship full of love and acceptance, if we can’t love and accept ourselves and I am finding that this love and acceptance can start with something as simple as learning to see my beauty as I adjust to wearing my hair natural!  Who knew?  I guess that’s the beauty of living, you learn something new every day!  Where do you need to learn to love and accept your own beauty?  What are you willing to commit to doing today, to show yourself more love and acceptance in this area? 

      Monday, July 11, 2011

      Can "Happily Ever After" Exsist After Infidelity?





      If a man cheats once is he always going to cheat? How DO you determine if your relationship is worth trying to salvage? What are the signs that let you know your partner is serious about dealing with the issues that led to the infidelity? How can you tell the difference between guilt and a REAL commitment to change?  Check out my video for more!

      Tuesday, July 5, 2011

      My Weave, Transitions and Relationships~What I've Discovered!

      This week I took my weave out.  And as any sista’ who has worn a weave know’s; I am in transition!  Boy, oh boy am I learning quite a bit about myself.  Now let me give you a little background.  I am not one of these people that has huge hair issues, I think that is why I am so shocked. 
      I’ve worn my hair short for over 10 years.  I have worn braids, weaves and everything in between.  I usually find a style I really like and stick with it for years.  Almost 2 years ago, I decided to go natural.  You see, it wasn't anything big, my relaxer just grew out and I decided to see what would happen if I let it grow all the way out and well, here I am.
      What is surprising me is how I have gotten so used to what I call “hiding out” under my weave.  It was big, full and fluffy and my hair is fine, soft and floppy.  The weave is shiny and silky and my hair is well, less shiny and silky.  I am having to figure out what to do with this hair of mine.  How do I make it look pretty?  Maybe I need to re-define what pretty is for me.  How the HECK do I do that?  Needless to say, I am experiencing some of the most uncomfortable feelings in the world!  
       Finding my sense of feeling beautiful with a natural is more work that I though it would be.  In the past I would have just put my weave back in and kept it going (and I still might) but this time is different.  I want to give myself a little time with my new natural do.  I want to learn about who I am when I am uncomfortable and transitioning at the same time.  SO what does this have to do with relationships, you ask?  Well, I’ll tell you!
      In the last few day’s I have realized, first hand, how hard it can be to show up honesty and openly in unfamiliar territory.  How temping it is to want to go back to what you know before giving yourself a chance to explore something new.  Why torture myself?  Perhaps, for the opportunity to gain a new perspective and open up new options.  Options that may never be available to me if I just stick with want I know.
      As a coach I know that this is the place that most people run from (heck, part of me wants to run back to the safety of my weave as I am even typing this) but it is also the place to gain great understanding of who we are.  For example; It may be easier and far less painful to hide out behind the wall you have built around your heart than it is to open up and allow new people in.  Or it can feel much safer to not ask for what you want in relationship because “he probably won’t do it anyway”, than it is to open up and honestly ask for what you want.  
      In each one of these examples you will have to step out of your comfort zone and learn something new about yourself.  This will require that you face some uncertainties and probably some difficult times learning to find your center in this uncomfortable place.  It may bring tears, anger and frustration as you face the things that make it hard for you to  take down that wall or ask for what you really want.  However, once you do the work and find understanding, you are that much closer to having the relationship that you truly want. 
      In my own life challenges (this week it’s adjusting to my fine yet somehow poofy, natural) that these uncomfortable, even painful places, are where I learn the most about me and who I am. Having the life and relationship that I truly want always starts with my relationship with me first. I have learned that transition, as uncomfortable and down right painful as it can be, is a necessary part of finding the life I am meant to live.  What transition is it time for you to make?  


      Follow up: It is 1 1/2 weeks later and I am absolutely in love with my natural now!  I am so glad I gave myself some time to transition, instead of running back to what was familiar!