Friday, September 11, 2009

The Messy Rawness of Life

Why is it that we have such a hard time with the rawness of life? The messiness, the lies, the harsh words, the hurt. Or maybe it's just me. Especially when it comes to my marriage. Not just my current marriage but especially my marriage to my late husband. It can sometimes feel like a struggle to admit that everything wasn't always perfect. To admit that I was and still am a real person with real struggles and that a lot of the lessons that I live by today came out of some of the stormiest times in my first marriage.

I owe a great debt to K (that's what I'll call him) for all that he gave me in those 16 years together. I learned so many things about myself and what it takes to be happily married. I learned precious secrets that I want to share with other women who want to experience happy marriages. I wanted to share a little of what I learned with you.
  1. I learned that even when you love someone deeply it takes conscious and consistent work to stay connected.

  2. I learned how to love someone, that I didn't give birth to, so much that my I thought heart would burst.

  3. I learned how to hang in there and fight through betrayal, rage and sadness.

  4. I learned that a passionate and even deeper love could exist even after betrayal if both parties are willing to do the work of rebuilding the marriage.
  5. I learned what it was like to be loved despite my flaws and I learned to love him beyond his as well.
  6. I am still learning how to let him go in some ways and carry him with me in others.

Reading this list lets me see just how much the painful times in my life and marriage have served me. I can see so clearly how those lessens help to guide me not only in my current marriage but my entire life. It is only now that I realize how blessed I am to have had the opportunity to learn these things. Although there was far more joy than tears and a whole lot more laughter than pain, it's the pain, I find, that cuts deepest. The beautiful thing I've learned is that the depth to which I experienced pain has created a new depth for experiencing joy.

Are you tempted to sugarcoat the struggles you face in you marriage or other relationships? Do find yourself saying, "Every thing's fine" when it's not? What needs to happen for you to find your joy?


  1. I read some where that love means "loving someone because," whereas true love means "loving someone despite."

    I've always liked that.

  2. Good post. Marriage is certainly no easy walk. It takes persistance and tenacity. :O)

  3. you are that! i have learned that passion and love are work and a gift to never be taken for granted.

  4. Have not seen a post in a while...hope all is well! :O)