Wednesday, December 30, 2009

What is REALLY Important in Your Relationship?

We often tell ourselves that our marriage/relationship is the most important thing to us. But in midst of an argument, we can forget that our marriage/relationship needs to be taken care of too. Proving our point, being right or not wanting to admit we are wrong can become our primary goal, not the health or happiness of our relationship. For more on this, check out the video..........Crystal

By the way, I offer FREE sample coaching sessions. Sessions are done over the phone so distance is not an issue. If your are interested, you can go to my website for contact information or email me a

Monday, December 28, 2009

How Do You Feel About You?

How do you feel about you? Do adore yourself? What makes you fabulous? A lot of times we are unaware of the signals we are sending to the world about ourselves. The thing is, how we feel about ourselves is often reflected in who we are attracting into our lives, as well as who we feel attacted to..................SoulMate Coach Crystal

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

What Do You Want?

Do you know what you want? I'm going to guess that you definitely know what you don't want BUT you probably don't know exactly what you do want. Getting clear on what we want is the first step in attracting the kind of mate that we want. Check out the video for more on how to start getting really clear, right now!............SoulMate Coach Crystal

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Believe What People Tell You

Once again with the crazy picture! LOL!! It'll get better, I promise. I'm still on my learning curve.

This post is about believing what people tell you about who they are. Believing what people tell you about themselves is extremely important in building healthy relationships. I hope you guys find this helpful........SoulMate Coach Crystal

Friday, December 18, 2009

Welcome to My New Vlog!

I apologize for the crazy looking picture! Every time I look at it I just crack up laughing! I am learning how to load my videos to the blog. I know I'll learn more as I go. I'd love to hear what you guys think!

Monday, November 16, 2009

Choices! Choices!

Since 2006, this time of year brings all kinds of emotions. You see, November 8 was my 38th birthday. November 12th was my late husbands birthday. And November 17th, marks the three year anniversary of his passing.

Every year I relive some sadness. I grieve the life that ended too soon. I cry for myself, my son and every family member that has to live without his bright smile and loud belly laughs. But this year something is different. I feel the need to celebrate too. I celebrate myself, my new life and the chance to love again.

And I re-recognize a truth that I know but often forget: We really do get to have the lives we choose. Life happens, and sometimes it hurts like hell BUT I still get a choice. I can choose a new perspective, to change my mind, to worry myself or to let something go. I get to choose everyday. I guess the thing is what do I do with my choices?

I suppose I could choose to feel sad and spend my day in tears ( I certainly have a good reason), that's an option. Or maybe, I'll try to be all smiles and ignore the hint of sadness I feel. HMMMM, so many choices! Neither choice is good or bad. Either one could be right for me at any given time. I didn't cause this situation, and there is nothing I can do about the fact that time of year comes around every single year. But I do get to decide what I want to do with it.

I think today, I'll choose to smile and be grateful for the life I have. I choose to do it with a tinge of sadness, but I will rejoice none the less. I will continue learning to appreciate the past, while looking forward to my future. Finding hope in the fact that, although I don't control everything, I do get a choice. And the best part is: How I use my choice is up to me.

How are you using your choices?

Friday, November 6, 2009

The Self Love Bug Keeps Bitting!

Falling in love with myself has been my obsession for the last week or so. I constantly find myself thinking about it. I catch myself saying things that are not so "loving" to myself. I then have to make the effort to correct my negative comment. So, when I look at myself in the mirror and think, with disgust, just look at that cellulite these thighs, I now know how self-defeating that is. They may have a little cellulite, but guess what? I've also discovered that they look pretty darn good in a pair of leggings! So that's what I'll try to remind myself of from now on.

I actually read something this week that talked about how self- depreciation can actually foster a sense of unity among women. At first I balked at the idea, then I really began to think about it. Is there some truth to this theory?

Why is it so hard for women to accept a compliment and just say, thank you? Why is the reply often something like, "What, this old thing? " Or when someone says, "Wow you've really lost weight", why are we compelled to respond with something like, "Yeah, thanks, but I've still got to get those last five pounds off." Why do we feel the need to explain away what makes us beautiful and special?

I think the answer lies somewhere in a poem that I love by Mary Ann Williamson:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light , not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make and manifest the Glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

My question to you today is: Who are you not to be BRILLIANT, GORGEOUS AND TALENTED? If you are indeed a child of God, what keeps you playing yourself small? Think of 5 ways to begin showing more kindness to your self and start RIGHT AWAY! Your gift's are too precious to hide from yourself and the world!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Falling in LOVE with ME!

As I work on my up coming workshop, one thing just JUMPS out at me. If you do not love yourself the odds of finding Mr. Right are slim to nil. I'm not just talking about the, "Sure, I love myself", kind of love. I'm talking about absolutely falling in love with yourself.

In order to have the love we truly desire, that love has GOT to start with us. We must adore ourselves. We have to dig around inside and find what makes us special, beautiful and unique. We have to eliminate or manage all self sabotaging talk. We must spend time wooing and taking care of ourselves. I mean really celebrate being in the skin we're in. We must strive, daily, to love ourselves completely. Then, and only then, can we recognize when a man is loving us the same way.

So let's start right here and right now. Now repeat after me: "I am a beautiful woman!". I want you to say it with vigor! Even if you don't feel it, say it (I do it all the time :-). Say it over and over to yourself all day long. Next, find something else that is wonderful about you and repeat it over and over. Let's get busy falling in love with yourself and lets start today.

How do you rate your "self love" on a scale of -10? In what areas do you need to show yourself more love?

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

The Small Stuff

This past week one of my dogs has been sick :-(. Nothing serious, The Hubby just changed the food. But it has been a challenge none the less. He's up two to three times a night and he left us lovely little "gifts" almost every day last week.

The other night, about 4:30 a.m., I was up letting him out to use the bathroom when The Hubby appeared in the kitchen. Now, what I haven't told you is that my dog has serious issues when it comes to stairs. So letting him out meant I also had to go outside and bring him back in, at 4:30 in the morning. Even though I didn't feel like it, I figured I would just hurry up, run him out and not disturb The Hubby at that time in the morning.

So, needless to say, The Hubby getting up meant I didn't have to go outside. And boy, was I happy about that. But even bigger than that was the fact that I didn't have to ask him to do it. It may seem small but it meant a lot to me. It means that he is getting to know the small things about me. Things like, if it's cold and dark outside I could go out and bring the dog inside but, the truth is I really don't want to. This means that he's paying attention and paying attention is a good thing.

So, as he goes out to get the dog, I stand there grinning to myself. We're really building our life together, one brick at a time. I just had to say something. I thanked him for getting up to help me with the dog. I let him know how much it meant to me that he got up with out me asking. I also told him how the small things can say so much and what he did spoke volumes.

Although all he said was, "Thank you." His smile let me know that my words meant a lot. And, as we headed back to bed I knew I had learned another lesson. The lesson is that the small things can actually be huge.

Sometimes in a relationship it's the small things that say the most. Those little actions or words that could go unnoticed it we are not paying attention. When they do something that we think they are supposed to do can actually be an opportunity to acknowledge and show gratitude. It's amazing what it can do for a relationship.

What small things can you acknowledge in your relationship? Try to think of one thing you're grateful in your relationship and then express it to your mate.

Monday, October 19, 2009

The Greatest Gift of All

Why is it so hard to be vulnerable? I know that in order to have the kind of marriage I want, it's a necessity, but it can be sooo hard at times. The act of opening myself up and being willing to allow The Hubby in can feel like a fight at times. Especially at this time if year. You see, I'm less that a month out from the three year anniversary of my first husbands passing. There are so many memories that pop up at this time of year and so many fears as well. I truly believed that we would grow old together and then WHAM!

I know no one can really promise you forever. I know life happens BUT sometimes I want to pretend that it doesn't. I want to be absolutely sure that The Hubby and I will have many, many, many years of happiness. Actually, want I really want is a 100% guarantee that he will not leave, die, or get sick ever! Now, I know there are no guarantees but for some reason I want one here. So here I sit wrestling myself, trying to make sense of something that makes no sense at all!

And I guess that's my answer right there. Life doesn't make sense a lot of the time. So, sometimes I will want things that I want won't make much rational sense at all. I do, however, know that I still do have choices. I can choose to be afraid and pull back OR I can acknowledge that I am afraid and love anyway.

Hey, it sucks that my first husband left the house one day and never came home. And it hurt like hell ( sometimes it still does). But also know this to be true: I only get to actively live in the NOW and right now I have a man, a beautiful man, in front of me that I want to love with my whole heart and soul. So what does that mean?

There is no real way to make separation or loss hurt less, I can only make the best of the time I have. I know this first hand. Loving deeply, actually gave me a certain peace in letting go. Now that I thing about it, being willing to be vulnerable and love fully actually turned out to be a gift I gave myself. A gift that, I think, will serve me for the rest of my life.

So I'll continue to plug along. Doing my best to confront my fears and fighting to keep my heart open. In the beginning of this post I thought it is a beautiful gift I would be giving The Hubby but, as it turns out, I'm giving the greatest gift of all to myself.

Where have you allowed fear of loss, hurt or rejection to cause you to close your heart? What does it cost you when you are not be able to be vulnerable?

Thursday, October 15, 2009

I am planning my first relationship workshop. It is called "The Relationship Essentials". As I am working on the exercises for the workshop so many different principles come to mind. One thing that is really jumping out today is the fact that a lot of times we want people, especially men, to acknowledge something we are not honoring ourselves.

As a newly married widow this trap is very easy for me to fall into. Because of the loss in my past I am very tempted, a times, to think The Hubby should understand the all the challenges that have come along with my loss. In the past, if he were running late and I couldn't get him on his cell phone I would begin to panic. I'd often work myself into a frenzy, imagining all of the terrible things that could have gone wrong. Then the second I new he was okay I would say to myself, "How could he do that? Doesn't he know what I've gone through! The least he could do is call. He's not even thinking about me!"

The truth is, as unromantic as it sounds, it isn't his job to figure out what I need. It is my job to figure out what I need and then tell him. These are my needs and if I am not going to acknowledge them why should he? How could he if he doesn't even know there's an issue? If what I need is not important enough to me for me on the table, is it realistic for me to expect him to do it? So I had to get real clear and ask for what I wanted. So when things calmed down I went to him and said something like this:

Me: "Is it okay if I tell you want I need so I can have fewer mental meltdowns on ya?"
The Hubby: "Sure" he chuckles.
Me: "Well, you know about my past and sometimes when I can't reach you it sends me into a tail spin. I am terrified that something horrible has happened to you. So by the time I do talk to you I'm scared, angry and spazing out."
The Hubby: "Tell me about it!"
Me: "Very funny. But seriously, not knowing if you're okay makes me feel scared and insecure and I want to feel safe and secure. So can we agree that when you are running late you will call me to let me know that you are okay? I'll agree to try to not spaz out when I can't reach and to work on staying calm unil you call me back"
The Hubby: "I had no idea that that is what was going through your mind! Yes, from now on,I will call if I'm running late."

Now it was a little more to it than that but that is the gist of it. I had to get clear on what I needed from him (the security of knowing he's okay) and then ask for it. Once I acknowledged my need so did he. And sure he's slips up occasionally but instead of working myself up I've learned to just call him to set my mind at ease. And if I can't reach him I have to work at staying calm and not allowing myself to get my britches in a bunch. I have learned that acknowledging and taking care of my needs is primarily my job, coming along side me and supporting me in what I need is his job.

Are you constantly expecting others to figure out what you want without you first asking for it? What do you need to acknowledge and then ask for in your own life? How could it help your relationship?

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

The Walmart Lessons

One of the reasons for my gap in posts is that the hubby and I went to Mexico for a week to celebrate our 1 year anniversary. I can't believe it's been one year already. Time sure flies.

In marrige one thing I now is that you are constantly learning and growing. At least I am. Hurdles are always out there waiting to be jumped. I experienced one of those hurdles on vacation. I'll call it the Walmart hurdle. Now, I don't have anything against Walmart I just didn't want to catch a bus to the Walmart in Mexico on my vacation. Now, you know the next part of the story had to be that the hubby wanted to do exactly that! He wanted to catch the bus to Walmart for groceries. I knew it made sense and would save us a ton of money on food(we had a kitchen in the time share), the bus ride was 30 minutes and I didn't really feel like it. After a few attempts to dissuade him failed, I conceded and decided to be a "good wife" and go to Walmart.

Well you won't believe it, not only was it a 30 min. ride but the bus was hot, sticky and over crowded. So I, being the "good wife" that I am, start asking slightly snippy questions and it went a little like this

Me: "Are you sure you want to stay on this hot, sticky over crowded but just to go to Walmart?"

He responds with a very quick and sharp, "Yep!".

I respond, "So you still think this is a good idea?".

With a steely resolve he says,"I sure do!"

Then silence. We were both right below the boiling point clinging desperately to the need to be right. AHHH, the seductive power of proving your point. As far as he was concerned, I couldn't just take a simple ride to Walmart for him. I was on the other side thinking he was just to stubborn to admit he was wrong. So we rode to Walmart in silence, avoiding eye contact with our arms folded.

By the time we got to Walmart the argument has escalated and I'm was heading one way(not a wise decision on my part at all) and he's going another. I can't help but laugh at my self now although it wasn't funny at the moment. But let me tell you I might have been mad but I ain't crazy and I didn't take me long to come to my senses. I was all alone walking down the street in Mexico! I very quickly turned around and made my way to Walmart.

After much discussion (aka arguing in the Mexican Walmart-Ha!) we finally got to what the "real point" of the argument was about. For me it was two-fold. I learned that the hubby needed me to accept and support his decision to go to Walmart (i.e no snide remarks along the way) or just simply say I didn't want to go at all.

His lesson was almost an accidental lesson and it was an eye opener for both of us. I really needed to feel protected by him. I didn't realize how much so until I was walking down the street in Mexico alone, I felt so unprotected. It actually surprised me! I considered myself pretty self sufficient woman but I realized I really needed to know that he would protect me (basically not let me walk away in a foreign country). Wow, I need to feel protected and watched over by the hubby, almost in a fatherly way. I can't believe I said that out loud but it's true. Maybe it's the little girl inside, heck I don't now what to call it BUT I know one thing, I need it!

So, the Walmart lesson is this, I will either say I don't want to do something or go along without gripping or complaining, this will take a little work but I'm on it. The Hubby has promised that even if I act a plum fool he will still look out for my over all well being and not let me do anything foolish (ex. walk away in Mexico). I guess this is just part of learning how out marriage works. We are learning to actively create the story of "us" as we go.

What are you "actively" creating in your marriage or relationship. What did your last argument tell you about your spouse or partner? What "lessons" could your arguments teach you?


I am so sorry for the break in posts. I've had a lot going on BUT I am back now and my posting more consistently. Thank you guys for hanging in there with me.

Friday, September 11, 2009

The Messy Rawness of Life

Why is it that we have such a hard time with the rawness of life? The messiness, the lies, the harsh words, the hurt. Or maybe it's just me. Especially when it comes to my marriage. Not just my current marriage but especially my marriage to my late husband. It can sometimes feel like a struggle to admit that everything wasn't always perfect. To admit that I was and still am a real person with real struggles and that a lot of the lessons that I live by today came out of some of the stormiest times in my first marriage.

I owe a great debt to K (that's what I'll call him) for all that he gave me in those 16 years together. I learned so many things about myself and what it takes to be happily married. I learned precious secrets that I want to share with other women who want to experience happy marriages. I wanted to share a little of what I learned with you.
  1. I learned that even when you love someone deeply it takes conscious and consistent work to stay connected.

  2. I learned how to love someone, that I didn't give birth to, so much that my I thought heart would burst.

  3. I learned how to hang in there and fight through betrayal, rage and sadness.

  4. I learned that a passionate and even deeper love could exist even after betrayal if both parties are willing to do the work of rebuilding the marriage.
  5. I learned what it was like to be loved despite my flaws and I learned to love him beyond his as well.
  6. I am still learning how to let him go in some ways and carry him with me in others.

Reading this list lets me see just how much the painful times in my life and marriage have served me. I can see so clearly how those lessens help to guide me not only in my current marriage but my entire life. It is only now that I realize how blessed I am to have had the opportunity to learn these things. Although there was far more joy than tears and a whole lot more laughter than pain, it's the pain, I find, that cuts deepest. The beautiful thing I've learned is that the depth to which I experienced pain has created a new depth for experiencing joy.

Are you tempted to sugarcoat the struggles you face in you marriage or other relationships? Do find yourself saying, "Every thing's fine" when it's not? What needs to happen for you to find your joy?

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

The Power of Acknowledgement

Who wants to fight with their spouse or significant other? That might not be such a a good question! But seriously, although painful, arguments can also be a wonderful place to learn and grow. I have learned some really important things as a result of some really awful arguments. Let me give you and example.

I can have a very "Lucy in the sky" disposition. I like structure when it comes to work but otherwise I like to feel free and untethered in other areas of my life. Example: I plan to clean the house tomorrow. BUT if I wake up the next day and it's a beautiful outside, scratch cleaning, let's go to the park! Let the house take care of it's self. YIPEEEE! I'm off and running!

The Hubby, on the other hand, likes structure and order. There in lies my challenge. I found myself feeling resentful when he would try to bring some of his order to my life, to me it felt more like a strait-jacket! Life is to be lived! How can life be lived to the fullest on a schedule? How could he not get this? It's impossible, right? I felt stifled. Oh, and I argued my point and so did he!

He felt that order is a very necessary part of life and that life without it has no structure. And he needed structure. Order helped him to see what was working and what was not and where he needed to adjust. He couldn't understand how I couldn't see the benefits of order or why I resisted. On top of that, he felt that when I resisted his idea of order that I was actually rejecting him. That left him feeling unappreciated.

We were dead locked.

As I sat there, with my arms folded and lips poked out I began to realise something. As much as I didn't want to admit it, he had a point. I could use a little more structure in my life. I also began to see how he could have felt that I was rejecting him when I resisted his idea.

I've done enough "relationship work" to know that, despite the fact that I wanted to continue to argue my point, there was really only one thing I could do. *Deep breath* I had to acknowledge The Hubby's point. So, after more deep breaths, that's what I did. It went something like this," I'm sorry if you feel rejected and you have a really good point. I do need more structure in my life and I am going to try and be more receptive when you offer suggestions."

Then I sat and waited to see how it would land. After a few moments he apologized and acknowledged my feelings too! Can you imagine that! We were both honkered down ready to defend out points to the death (at least I was!) and a little acknowledgement turned it all around!

So as we continue to try to find the balance between too much and not enough structure, we've learned a very important lesson. Acknowledgement is powerful. I'm not saying that our arguments always go this smoothly but I have found that trying to hearThe Hubby's point of view and acknowledging it certainly goes a long way. Not to mention how great it feels when he does the same.

Are there any area's in your life where you know you need to acknowledge someone or something?

What holds you back? What could you discover on the other side of acknowledgement?

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

We Only Get One True Love?.........Really?

I have learned quite a bit in the last 33 months of my life. Becoming a widow and finding love again has brought many challenges and gifts. You see I had a theory before I became a widow. And that theory was "You Only Get One TRUE Love".

I truly believed that my first husband was the one and only love of my life and when he died my my time was up. Everybody said so. I saw it on TV and in movies. My family and friends even backed it up with, "You should be grateful, most people never even find what you had."

So, I sat around sad for a few months. Telling myself how greatful I should be and trying to accept that I would never feel love like that again. But as time went on something started to happen. I began to feel the urge to love again. And I'm not talking about some nansy-pansy, half and half love. I'm talking about some Jill Scott, Whatever Love. You know the kind LOVE that makes you smile when you think of him. The kind of Love that makes you close your eyes and hum to yourself. You know the kind of love I'm talking about!

Well, I was amazed to say the least. I was still in the throws of deep, gut wrenching grief but I knew I wanted to love and be loved again. And as hard as I was grieving, I knew that part of me would not be denied. I didn't quite know what to make of these feelings. I thank God that I had people in my life that assured me that these feeling were okay and encouraged me not to push them a side.

So, as I fumbled around with these feeling you'll never guess what happened.........I met my current husband. Imagine my surprise when all sorts of feelings began to pop up! Feeling I though were dead. Needless to say, my "one true love" theory was going to have to go.

As time went on I fell more and more in love with "the hubby". I began to realise that this love is just as true as the first love. People have asked me how could I love two men so deeply? I often respond with, "The same can you love two children so deeply. Having one child doesn't stop you from loving the next one just as deeply."

So these are two of the many lessons life has taught me:

  1. My capacity for love is great. It runs deeper than I could have ever imagined.

  2. From time to time I have to take a look at old ideas and mindsets and make sure they still belong in my life. My "one true love" theory was out dated and could have cost me the love of the beautiful man I am blessed to call my husband today.

When is the last time you checked your "theories"? What ideas are you carrying around that go unchallenged? My theory, left unchallenged, would have cost me a life full of love. What are yours costing you?

Monday, August 31, 2009

I AM Special.......Darn it!

Have you ever noticed how unkind we can be to ourselves sometimes? I never realized how rough I am on myself at times. So, I've decided to work on being kinder to myself. With this premise in mind I have decided to pick one thing I really like about myself and focus on it. Well, I'm pretty special, so I decided to let that be the one thing that I would focus on. So, I then say very boldly to myself, "I AM SPECIAL!"

At first self-doubt spoke up and said, "Calm down Crystal you're are not that special." Then another voice chimed in and said, "Even if you are special, geesh! You don't want people to think to bragging about it." Wow! Where did those thoughts come from? All I wanted to do was feel special and now I'm talking myself out of it before I even get a chance! I just have to investigate this with a few questions of my own.

  1. What is so wrong with feeling special?
  2. If am special how is acknowledging it bragging?
  3. How does what "other people" think have anything to do with how special I am?

The answers I found were very telling.

  1. Feeling like I am special means that I'll have to treat myself accordingly and require that others do the same.
  2. Acknowledging that I am special is not bragging, it is simply stating a fact. I'm not saying that no one else is special, I'm just honoring what is special in me.
  3. Wow! Now this question was a doozie. I didn't think I cared that much about what "other people" thought about me. But since these "other people" popped up in my thoughts, I'd better address them. I realised feeling special is important to me and that honoring that doesn't take anything away from anyone. Now that I think about it, feeling special within myself actually helps me to see and appreciate the "specialness" in those around me even more.

So after much consideration and internal debate I decided that I am indeed special. Although I know I won't feel it every day, it's still true. When someone says or does something to challenge it, I'll do my dardest to remember it. And when my own internal voices start to question it, and I know that they will, I'll remind myself of truth in the answers above. I'll then answer back with a resounding ,"I AM special.......Darn it!"

What I have learned in relationships is that other people are not going to honor what we ourselves are not willing honor. Seeing and accepting what makes us special is crucial in building our relationship first with ourselves and then as those around us.

So what is special about you? How do you try to talk yourself out of it? Now I ask the you the question, "What makes YOU special......Darn it?"

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

What Do I Want?

What do I want? I find myself asking this question a lot lately. When I am on the cusp of an argument with "the hubby" (that's my new blogging name for him, like it?), I find myself asking the question, "What do I want?". Do I really want to spend the next hour proving my point or do I just want to be heard. What, exactly, is going on here? The craziest thing is that most of the time, if I can slow down enough to ask myself this question, I do know exactly what I want. Imagine that, I know what I want! AND I get to express it! The amazing this is that I am finding that this "What do I want" question works for just about everything!

The next time you feel, confused or upset ask yourself, "What do I want?" If you are on that first date and he says something that rubs you the wrong way ask the question. What do I want? Is it to feel safe, important, respected? Once you get to the answer DON'T LET IT GO! The answer is what you want and that matters. Don't sweep it under the rug or ignore it and, for heaven's sake, DON'T try talk yourself out of what you want. Do spend some time getting clear on what you want and why it's important to you. Then begin to look for different ways to honor it. Sometimes that will mean asking for what you want. Other times it can involve making a silent commitment not to do something again. Then again it could mean that you have to accept that the person you are dealing with just can't or won't give you want and that it time to look for healthier ways to get this need met.

Taking the time to discover what you want is a truly precious gift to give yourself. Ask yourself the question and then begin to break it down. Why is this important? What does it add to my life? Get super clear on what you want and why it is important to you. One thing I've learned is that if you don't know what you want, the chances of getting it are pretty slim. So I ask you, "What do you want?"

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Building a Conscious Relationship

As I work on building a new marriage I am truly learning the importance of building a conscious relationship. It can be quite overwhelming at times. It requires that I constantly stay aware of what is important to me and I state it clearly to my husband. Not assume that he knows or should know what I want or how I feel. It also means that I have to ask my husband what he means. Instead of making up stories about what I think he means. Oh, and did I mention realizing, understanding and honoring the fact that whatever my husband is going through, no matter how silly it is to me, is real to him.

Although, my husband and I both are learning and practicing these lessons, I am beginning to realise that the more I work on my part the more peace I have. Because I get to see just how much control I have when it comes to changing my own perspective. I also get to experience the power that comes along with being clear and asking for what I want, instead of waiting for him to figure it out. Sure, there are pit falls and we both mess up royally from time to time. Asking for what I want can be scary at times. The fear of being hurt, rejected or not heard has caused me to "act a fool" on more that one occasion. But the reward is, ahhhh, priceless.

By working diligently to build this "conscious relationship" I get to enjoy my marriage fully. Learning to communicate with my husband and teaching him how to communicate with me creates a safe and nurturing environment for our love to grow in. Using the these lessons also allows us to build the space in our marriage for the days that aren't so sunny. So, I guess I'll keep on a learnin' and I'll keep you posted!

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Proving Yourself vs Being Yourself

I was having a conversation the other night with someone and some how we ended up on this topic. It started out with the idea that we have to "show" people that we are different or special. As I listened I got wildly curious. I really began to think about what happens when we feel the need to "prove" ourselves. Well, the first thing I recognized was that when I feel the need to do this it is usually because I am feeling unsure about myself and I need someone else to see my worth. Proving myself to them means I feel great right? Well, I guess but I am finding it only lasts as long as they see it and when it wears off I'm off proving myself again. Whew! It's exhausting just thinking about it!

The conclusion I came to was this. Proving and Being are two very different things and it's very difficult to be who we are if we are constantly trying to prove who we are. Proving is what we do for theories not facts. Proving actually takes away from the validity of who we are. Proving you are happy and Being happy or two completely different experiences. One involves someone else seeing and accepting your happiness and the other is simply a reflection of something that is.

In the search to find your soul mate it is so important that you be who you are. The beauty of you is not in proving, it's in being. So pay attention to your thoughts today. Are there areas in your life where you feel to need to prove something? Stop and ask yourself, "What is this about?" Are you being or proving? Only you know the answer.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Starting Over vs Starting Again

One thing I know a lot about, when it comes to love is "starting again". Notice I didn't say "starting over", because somehow those words make me feel like I have to give up all of what I have accomplished on the way to "starting again". I know it sounds crazy but it's true for me and maybe it will prove to be true for you too, let me explain a little bit about what I mean.

You see, I am a widow (very new 2 1/2 years) and I am also a wife (very, very new 10 months). And after being with one man for 16 years his passing initially made me feel like I had to start all over. I thought, "We somehow managed build a wonderful marriage through the all ups and downs of life and suddenly it's over". I felt so cheated! All my hard work, tears, joy. Heck! Sixteen years of my life was gone down the tube, wasted! Why did I have to start over? It didn't seem fair. But then something started to happen as I grieved and began to process what I truly lost. I began to realize that I didn't lose everything in that day. Yes, I did loose my husband BUT I didn't loose all that we shared or all that I was blessed to have learned and experienced. Then it hit me! I didn't have to, or even want to, start over. Life had thrown a huge boulder in my path and it did stop me BUT I could start again. I simply wanted to start again. And that's just what i did, with the warm, loving and rich memories of my past helping to propel me forward into a future that is just as much of a gift as my past was.

This is the place I find my life in right now. Starting again on a new adventure in my new life with a new husband. I am learning to honor my past and all that it offers while living in the richness of my present. The good, the bad all of it is mine, I get to choose what I take and what I leave behind. I'm not trying to say it's all peaches and cream, heck it can be pretty grueling at times. But I get to start again and that, I'm finding. is the biggest gift all.

Are there any areas in your life where you are dreading "starting over"? Are you in a place where you've lost something important (a relationship, a job or you've fallen off the wagon)? All is not lost, this is life and you get to start again as many times as you need to.