Thursday, October 29, 2009

Falling in LOVE with ME!

As I work on my up coming workshop, one thing just JUMPS out at me. If you do not love yourself the odds of finding Mr. Right are slim to nil. I'm not just talking about the, "Sure, I love myself", kind of love. I'm talking about absolutely falling in love with yourself.

In order to have the love we truly desire, that love has GOT to start with us. We must adore ourselves. We have to dig around inside and find what makes us special, beautiful and unique. We have to eliminate or manage all self sabotaging talk. We must spend time wooing and taking care of ourselves. I mean really celebrate being in the skin we're in. We must strive, daily, to love ourselves completely. Then, and only then, can we recognize when a man is loving us the same way.

So let's start right here and right now. Now repeat after me: "I am a beautiful woman!". I want you to say it with vigor! Even if you don't feel it, say it (I do it all the time :-). Say it over and over to yourself all day long. Next, find something else that is wonderful about you and repeat it over and over. Let's get busy falling in love with yourself and lets start today.

How do you rate your "self love" on a scale of -10? In what areas do you need to show yourself more love?

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

The Small Stuff

This past week one of my dogs has been sick :-(. Nothing serious, The Hubby just changed the food. But it has been a challenge none the less. He's up two to three times a night and he left us lovely little "gifts" almost every day last week.

The other night, about 4:30 a.m., I was up letting him out to use the bathroom when The Hubby appeared in the kitchen. Now, what I haven't told you is that my dog has serious issues when it comes to stairs. So letting him out meant I also had to go outside and bring him back in, at 4:30 in the morning. Even though I didn't feel like it, I figured I would just hurry up, run him out and not disturb The Hubby at that time in the morning.

So, needless to say, The Hubby getting up meant I didn't have to go outside. And boy, was I happy about that. But even bigger than that was the fact that I didn't have to ask him to do it. It may seem small but it meant a lot to me. It means that he is getting to know the small things about me. Things like, if it's cold and dark outside I could go out and bring the dog inside but, the truth is I really don't want to. This means that he's paying attention and paying attention is a good thing.

So, as he goes out to get the dog, I stand there grinning to myself. We're really building our life together, one brick at a time. I just had to say something. I thanked him for getting up to help me with the dog. I let him know how much it meant to me that he got up with out me asking. I also told him how the small things can say so much and what he did spoke volumes.

Although all he said was, "Thank you." His smile let me know that my words meant a lot. And, as we headed back to bed I knew I had learned another lesson. The lesson is that the small things can actually be huge.

Sometimes in a relationship it's the small things that say the most. Those little actions or words that could go unnoticed it we are not paying attention. When they do something that we think they are supposed to do can actually be an opportunity to acknowledge and show gratitude. It's amazing what it can do for a relationship.

What small things can you acknowledge in your relationship? Try to think of one thing you're grateful in your relationship and then express it to your mate.

Monday, October 19, 2009

The Greatest Gift of All

Why is it so hard to be vulnerable? I know that in order to have the kind of marriage I want, it's a necessity, but it can be sooo hard at times. The act of opening myself up and being willing to allow The Hubby in can feel like a fight at times. Especially at this time if year. You see, I'm less that a month out from the three year anniversary of my first husbands passing. There are so many memories that pop up at this time of year and so many fears as well. I truly believed that we would grow old together and then WHAM!

I know no one can really promise you forever. I know life happens BUT sometimes I want to pretend that it doesn't. I want to be absolutely sure that The Hubby and I will have many, many, many years of happiness. Actually, want I really want is a 100% guarantee that he will not leave, die, or get sick ever! Now, I know there are no guarantees but for some reason I want one here. So here I sit wrestling myself, trying to make sense of something that makes no sense at all!

And I guess that's my answer right there. Life doesn't make sense a lot of the time. So, sometimes I will want things that I want won't make much rational sense at all. I do, however, know that I still do have choices. I can choose to be afraid and pull back OR I can acknowledge that I am afraid and love anyway.

Hey, it sucks that my first husband left the house one day and never came home. And it hurt like hell ( sometimes it still does). But also know this to be true: I only get to actively live in the NOW and right now I have a man, a beautiful man, in front of me that I want to love with my whole heart and soul. So what does that mean?

There is no real way to make separation or loss hurt less, I can only make the best of the time I have. I know this first hand. Loving deeply, actually gave me a certain peace in letting go. Now that I thing about it, being willing to be vulnerable and love fully actually turned out to be a gift I gave myself. A gift that, I think, will serve me for the rest of my life.

So I'll continue to plug along. Doing my best to confront my fears and fighting to keep my heart open. In the beginning of this post I thought it is a beautiful gift I would be giving The Hubby but, as it turns out, I'm giving the greatest gift of all to myself.

Where have you allowed fear of loss, hurt or rejection to cause you to close your heart? What does it cost you when you are not be able to be vulnerable?

Thursday, October 15, 2009

I am planning my first relationship workshop. It is called "The Relationship Essentials". As I am working on the exercises for the workshop so many different principles come to mind. One thing that is really jumping out today is the fact that a lot of times we want people, especially men, to acknowledge something we are not honoring ourselves.

As a newly married widow this trap is very easy for me to fall into. Because of the loss in my past I am very tempted, a times, to think The Hubby should understand the all the challenges that have come along with my loss. In the past, if he were running late and I couldn't get him on his cell phone I would begin to panic. I'd often work myself into a frenzy, imagining all of the terrible things that could have gone wrong. Then the second I new he was okay I would say to myself, "How could he do that? Doesn't he know what I've gone through! The least he could do is call. He's not even thinking about me!"

The truth is, as unromantic as it sounds, it isn't his job to figure out what I need. It is my job to figure out what I need and then tell him. These are my needs and if I am not going to acknowledge them why should he? How could he if he doesn't even know there's an issue? If what I need is not important enough to me for me on the table, is it realistic for me to expect him to do it? So I had to get real clear and ask for what I wanted. So when things calmed down I went to him and said something like this:

Me: "Is it okay if I tell you want I need so I can have fewer mental meltdowns on ya?"
The Hubby: "Sure" he chuckles.
Me: "Well, you know about my past and sometimes when I can't reach you it sends me into a tail spin. I am terrified that something horrible has happened to you. So by the time I do talk to you I'm scared, angry and spazing out."
The Hubby: "Tell me about it!"
Me: "Very funny. But seriously, not knowing if you're okay makes me feel scared and insecure and I want to feel safe and secure. So can we agree that when you are running late you will call me to let me know that you are okay? I'll agree to try to not spaz out when I can't reach and to work on staying calm unil you call me back"
The Hubby: "I had no idea that that is what was going through your mind! Yes, from now on,I will call if I'm running late."

Now it was a little more to it than that but that is the gist of it. I had to get clear on what I needed from him (the security of knowing he's okay) and then ask for it. Once I acknowledged my need so did he. And sure he's slips up occasionally but instead of working myself up I've learned to just call him to set my mind at ease. And if I can't reach him I have to work at staying calm and not allowing myself to get my britches in a bunch. I have learned that acknowledging and taking care of my needs is primarily my job, coming along side me and supporting me in what I need is his job.

Are you constantly expecting others to figure out what you want without you first asking for it? What do you need to acknowledge and then ask for in your own life? How could it help your relationship?

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

The Walmart Lessons

One of the reasons for my gap in posts is that the hubby and I went to Mexico for a week to celebrate our 1 year anniversary. I can't believe it's been one year already. Time sure flies.

In marrige one thing I now is that you are constantly learning and growing. At least I am. Hurdles are always out there waiting to be jumped. I experienced one of those hurdles on vacation. I'll call it the Walmart hurdle. Now, I don't have anything against Walmart I just didn't want to catch a bus to the Walmart in Mexico on my vacation. Now, you know the next part of the story had to be that the hubby wanted to do exactly that! He wanted to catch the bus to Walmart for groceries. I knew it made sense and would save us a ton of money on food(we had a kitchen in the time share), the bus ride was 30 minutes and I didn't really feel like it. After a few attempts to dissuade him failed, I conceded and decided to be a "good wife" and go to Walmart.

Well you won't believe it, not only was it a 30 min. ride but the bus was hot, sticky and over crowded. So I, being the "good wife" that I am, start asking slightly snippy questions and it went a little like this

Me: "Are you sure you want to stay on this hot, sticky over crowded but just to go to Walmart?"

He responds with a very quick and sharp, "Yep!".

I respond, "So you still think this is a good idea?".

With a steely resolve he says,"I sure do!"

Then silence. We were both right below the boiling point clinging desperately to the need to be right. AHHH, the seductive power of proving your point. As far as he was concerned, I couldn't just take a simple ride to Walmart for him. I was on the other side thinking he was just to stubborn to admit he was wrong. So we rode to Walmart in silence, avoiding eye contact with our arms folded.

By the time we got to Walmart the argument has escalated and I'm was heading one way(not a wise decision on my part at all) and he's going another. I can't help but laugh at my self now although it wasn't funny at the moment. But let me tell you I might have been mad but I ain't crazy and I didn't take me long to come to my senses. I was all alone walking down the street in Mexico! I very quickly turned around and made my way to Walmart.

After much discussion (aka arguing in the Mexican Walmart-Ha!) we finally got to what the "real point" of the argument was about. For me it was two-fold. I learned that the hubby needed me to accept and support his decision to go to Walmart (i.e no snide remarks along the way) or just simply say I didn't want to go at all.

His lesson was almost an accidental lesson and it was an eye opener for both of us. I really needed to feel protected by him. I didn't realize how much so until I was walking down the street in Mexico alone, I felt so unprotected. It actually surprised me! I considered myself pretty self sufficient woman but I realized I really needed to know that he would protect me (basically not let me walk away in a foreign country). Wow, I need to feel protected and watched over by the hubby, almost in a fatherly way. I can't believe I said that out loud but it's true. Maybe it's the little girl inside, heck I don't now what to call it BUT I know one thing, I need it!

So, the Walmart lesson is this, I will either say I don't want to do something or go along without gripping or complaining, this will take a little work but I'm on it. The Hubby has promised that even if I act a plum fool he will still look out for my over all well being and not let me do anything foolish (ex. walk away in Mexico). I guess this is just part of learning how out marriage works. We are learning to actively create the story of "us" as we go.

What are you "actively" creating in your marriage or relationship. What did your last argument tell you about your spouse or partner? What "lessons" could your arguments teach you?


I am so sorry for the break in posts. I've had a lot going on BUT I am back now and my posting more consistently. Thank you guys for hanging in there with me.