Monday, August 31, 2009

I AM Special.......Darn it!

Have you ever noticed how unkind we can be to ourselves sometimes? I never realized how rough I am on myself at times. So, I've decided to work on being kinder to myself. With this premise in mind I have decided to pick one thing I really like about myself and focus on it. Well, I'm pretty special, so I decided to let that be the one thing that I would focus on. So, I then say very boldly to myself, "I AM SPECIAL!"

At first self-doubt spoke up and said, "Calm down Crystal you're are not that special." Then another voice chimed in and said, "Even if you are special, geesh! You don't want people to think to bragging about it." Wow! Where did those thoughts come from? All I wanted to do was feel special and now I'm talking myself out of it before I even get a chance! I just have to investigate this with a few questions of my own.

  1. What is so wrong with feeling special?
  2. If am special how is acknowledging it bragging?
  3. How does what "other people" think have anything to do with how special I am?

The answers I found were very telling.

  1. Feeling like I am special means that I'll have to treat myself accordingly and require that others do the same.
  2. Acknowledging that I am special is not bragging, it is simply stating a fact. I'm not saying that no one else is special, I'm just honoring what is special in me.
  3. Wow! Now this question was a doozie. I didn't think I cared that much about what "other people" thought about me. But since these "other people" popped up in my thoughts, I'd better address them. I realised feeling special is important to me and that honoring that doesn't take anything away from anyone. Now that I think about it, feeling special within myself actually helps me to see and appreciate the "specialness" in those around me even more.

So after much consideration and internal debate I decided that I am indeed special. Although I know I won't feel it every day, it's still true. When someone says or does something to challenge it, I'll do my dardest to remember it. And when my own internal voices start to question it, and I know that they will, I'll remind myself of truth in the answers above. I'll then answer back with a resounding ,"I AM special.......Darn it!"

What I have learned in relationships is that other people are not going to honor what we ourselves are not willing honor. Seeing and accepting what makes us special is crucial in building our relationship first with ourselves and then as those around us.

So what is special about you? How do you try to talk yourself out of it? Now I ask the you the question, "What makes YOU special......Darn it?"

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

What Do I Want?

What do I want? I find myself asking this question a lot lately. When I am on the cusp of an argument with "the hubby" (that's my new blogging name for him, like it?), I find myself asking the question, "What do I want?". Do I really want to spend the next hour proving my point or do I just want to be heard. What, exactly, is going on here? The craziest thing is that most of the time, if I can slow down enough to ask myself this question, I do know exactly what I want. Imagine that, I know what I want! AND I get to express it! The amazing this is that I am finding that this "What do I want" question works for just about everything!

The next time you feel, confused or upset ask yourself, "What do I want?" If you are on that first date and he says something that rubs you the wrong way ask the question. What do I want? Is it to feel safe, important, respected? Once you get to the answer DON'T LET IT GO! The answer is what you want and that matters. Don't sweep it under the rug or ignore it and, for heaven's sake, DON'T try talk yourself out of what you want. Do spend some time getting clear on what you want and why it's important to you. Then begin to look for different ways to honor it. Sometimes that will mean asking for what you want. Other times it can involve making a silent commitment not to do something again. Then again it could mean that you have to accept that the person you are dealing with just can't or won't give you want and that it time to look for healthier ways to get this need met.

Taking the time to discover what you want is a truly precious gift to give yourself. Ask yourself the question and then begin to break it down. Why is this important? What does it add to my life? Get super clear on what you want and why it is important to you. One thing I've learned is that if you don't know what you want, the chances of getting it are pretty slim. So I ask you, "What do you want?"

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Building a Conscious Relationship

As I work on building a new marriage I am truly learning the importance of building a conscious relationship. It can be quite overwhelming at times. It requires that I constantly stay aware of what is important to me and I state it clearly to my husband. Not assume that he knows or should know what I want or how I feel. It also means that I have to ask my husband what he means. Instead of making up stories about what I think he means. Oh, and did I mention realizing, understanding and honoring the fact that whatever my husband is going through, no matter how silly it is to me, is real to him.

Although, my husband and I both are learning and practicing these lessons, I am beginning to realise that the more I work on my part the more peace I have. Because I get to see just how much control I have when it comes to changing my own perspective. I also get to experience the power that comes along with being clear and asking for what I want, instead of waiting for him to figure it out. Sure, there are pit falls and we both mess up royally from time to time. Asking for what I want can be scary at times. The fear of being hurt, rejected or not heard has caused me to "act a fool" on more that one occasion. But the reward is, ahhhh, priceless.

By working diligently to build this "conscious relationship" I get to enjoy my marriage fully. Learning to communicate with my husband and teaching him how to communicate with me creates a safe and nurturing environment for our love to grow in. Using the these lessons also allows us to build the space in our marriage for the days that aren't so sunny. So, I guess I'll keep on a learnin' and I'll keep you posted!

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Proving Yourself vs Being Yourself

I was having a conversation the other night with someone and some how we ended up on this topic. It started out with the idea that we have to "show" people that we are different or special. As I listened I got wildly curious. I really began to think about what happens when we feel the need to "prove" ourselves. Well, the first thing I recognized was that when I feel the need to do this it is usually because I am feeling unsure about myself and I need someone else to see my worth. Proving myself to them means I feel great right? Well, I guess but I am finding it only lasts as long as they see it and when it wears off I'm off proving myself again. Whew! It's exhausting just thinking about it!

The conclusion I came to was this. Proving and Being are two very different things and it's very difficult to be who we are if we are constantly trying to prove who we are. Proving is what we do for theories not facts. Proving actually takes away from the validity of who we are. Proving you are happy and Being happy or two completely different experiences. One involves someone else seeing and accepting your happiness and the other is simply a reflection of something that is.

In the search to find your soul mate it is so important that you be who you are. The beauty of you is not in proving, it's in being. So pay attention to your thoughts today. Are there areas in your life where you feel to need to prove something? Stop and ask yourself, "What is this about?" Are you being or proving? Only you know the answer.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Starting Over vs Starting Again

One thing I know a lot about, when it comes to love is "starting again". Notice I didn't say "starting over", because somehow those words make me feel like I have to give up all of what I have accomplished on the way to "starting again". I know it sounds crazy but it's true for me and maybe it will prove to be true for you too, let me explain a little bit about what I mean.

You see, I am a widow (very new 2 1/2 years) and I am also a wife (very, very new 10 months). And after being with one man for 16 years his passing initially made me feel like I had to start all over. I thought, "We somehow managed build a wonderful marriage through the all ups and downs of life and suddenly it's over". I felt so cheated! All my hard work, tears, joy. Heck! Sixteen years of my life was gone down the tube, wasted! Why did I have to start over? It didn't seem fair. But then something started to happen as I grieved and began to process what I truly lost. I began to realize that I didn't lose everything in that day. Yes, I did loose my husband BUT I didn't loose all that we shared or all that I was blessed to have learned and experienced. Then it hit me! I didn't have to, or even want to, start over. Life had thrown a huge boulder in my path and it did stop me BUT I could start again. I simply wanted to start again. And that's just what i did, with the warm, loving and rich memories of my past helping to propel me forward into a future that is just as much of a gift as my past was.

This is the place I find my life in right now. Starting again on a new adventure in my new life with a new husband. I am learning to honor my past and all that it offers while living in the richness of my present. The good, the bad all of it is mine, I get to choose what I take and what I leave behind. I'm not trying to say it's all peaches and cream, heck it can be pretty grueling at times. But I get to start again and that, I'm finding. is the biggest gift all.

Are there any areas in your life where you are dreading "starting over"? Are you in a place where you've lost something important (a relationship, a job or you've fallen off the wagon)? All is not lost, this is life and you get to start again as many times as you need to.