What My Hair Continues to Teach Me About Love and Life

This week the SoulMate Coach Crystal Show is all about beauty and putting your ‘best’ face forward. Needless to say, I have been thinking about beauty, a lot!  Most of this has to do with my hair and going natural.  If you read my post last week I really loved my hair BUT what I am learning that natural hair, much like life, cannot be completely controlled!  There are always variables. You can work with it, befriend it and try to coerce it into acting 'right' but for the most part it is going to do what it wants to do.   And you either  find your peace with it or you don't!  It has opened my eyes to a whole new world when it comes to appreciating my own beauty.    

 I am living in a world, a kind of Twilight Zone existence,  where I am having to define and re-define my own sense of beauty almost daily.  A place where what worked yesterday might not work tomorrow and there is not much I can do about it.  A world where sometimes I feel like a Nubian queen other days I feel unsure and awkward. A little voice can creep up and ask, ‘Do I look crazy?  Am I still pretty?  What the HECK made me think I could do this?’    

This doesn't only affect me, it has touched my husband too! Oh, my poor, poor  husband!  The first week or two, after I took my weave out was probably pure hell for him. He tries to act like me asking him 100 times a day ( okay, it was probably less but you get the picture), ‘ How does my hair look’, was no problem.  BUT I know it was hard for him, and I am sure he is glad that I have come through that phase.   

 Then there are the pep talks I have started giving myself.  They usually go something like this, ‘Crystal you are beautiful no matter how you wear your hair.  Your hair does NOT define you! Now shine on child! Shine on!” Now even though I know these words are true, sometimes this works and sometimes it doesn't!   Seeing our beauty should be easy right?  Then why the heck is it so hard sometimes?   

I guess that’s because connecting with our sense of beauty is not always as easy as we would like it to be.  I am not talking about superficial beauty,  I’m talking about really  feeling good in our own skin.  Appreciating ourselves when we don't look our best or learning to love and appreciate who we are, warts and all, really takes work.  It is the kind of work that can be gritty and hard BUT it also necessary when it comes building up our sense of self. I've GOT to be grounded in loving me before I can love another or even allow someone else to truly love me.   

What I know is this; every relationship that we have with another is a reflection of the relationship we have with ourselves.  It is impossible to have a relationship full of love and acceptance, if we can’t love and accept ourselves and I am finding that this love and acceptance can start with something as simple as learning to see my beauty as I adjust to wearing my hair natural!  Who knew?  I guess that’s the beauty of living, you learn something new every day!  Where do you need to learn to love and accept your own beauty?  What are you willing to commit to doing today, to show yourself more love and acceptance in this area? 

Can "Happily Ever After" Exsist After Infidelity?

If a man cheats once is he always going to cheat? How DO you determine if your relationship is worth trying to salvage? What are the signs that let you know your partner is serious about dealing with the issues that led to the infidelity? How can you tell the difference between guilt and a REAL commitment to change?  Check out my video for more!

My Weave, Transitions and Relationships~What I've Discovered!

This week I took my weave out.  And as any sista’ who has worn a weave know’s; I am in transition!  Boy, oh boy am I learning quite a bit about myself.  Now let me give you a little background.  I am not one of these people that has huge hair issues, I think that is why I am so shocked. 

I’ve worn my hair short for over 10 years.  I have worn braids, weaves and everything in between.  I usually find a style I really like and stick with it for years.  Almost 2 years ago, I decided to go natural.  You see, it wasn't anything big, my relaxer just grew out and I decided to see what would happen if I let it grow all the way out and well, here I am.

What is surprising me is how I have gotten so used to what I call “hiding out” under my weave.  It was big, full and fluffy and my hair is fine, soft and floppy.  The weave is shiny and silky and my hair is well, less shiny and silky.  I am having to figure out what to do with this hair of mine.  How do I make it look pretty?  Maybe I need to re-define what pretty is for me.  How the HECK do I do that?  Needless to say, I am experiencing some of the most uncomfortable feelings in the world!  

 Finding my sense of feeling beautiful with a natural is more work that I though it would be.  In the past I would have just put my weave back in and kept it going (and I still might) but this time is different.  I want to give myself a little time with my new natural do.  I want to learn about who I am when I am uncomfortable and transitioning at the same time.  SO what does this have to do with relationships, you ask?  Well, I’ll tell you!

In the last few day’s I have realized, first hand, how hard it can be to show up honesty and openly in unfamiliar territory.  How temping it is to want to go back to what you know before giving yourself a chance to explore something new.  Why torture myself?  Perhaps, for the opportunity to gain a new perspective and open up new options.  Options that may never be available to me if I just stick with want I know.

As a coach I know that this is the place that most people run from (heck, part of me wants to run back to the safety of my weave as I am even typing this) but it is also the place to gain great understanding of who we are.  For example; It may be easier and far less painful to hide out behind the wall you have built around your heart than it is to open up and allow new people in.  Or it can feel much safer to not ask for what you want in relationship because “he probably won’t do it anyway”, than it is to open up and honestly ask for what you want.  

In each one of these examples you will have to step out of your comfort zone and learn something new about yourself.  This will require that you face some uncertainties and probably some difficult times learning to find your center in this uncomfortable place.  It may bring tears, anger and frustration as you face the things that make it hard for you to  take down that wall or ask for what you really want.  However, once you do the work and find understanding, you are that much closer to having the relationship that you truly want. 

In my own life challenges (this week it’s adjusting to my fine yet somehow poofy, natural) that these uncomfortable, even painful places, are where I learn the most about me and who I am. Having the life and relationship that I truly want always starts with my relationship with me first. I have learned that transition, as uncomfortable and down right painful as it can be, is a necessary part of finding the life I am meant to live.  What transition is it time for you to make?  

Follow up: It is 1 1/2 weeks later and I am absolutely in love with my natural now!  I am so glad I gave myself some time to transition, instead of running back to what was familiar!

He's Cheated! Now What?

This is a follow up to yesterday's post.  So, he's cheated.  Now what?  Maybe you are sure he's cheated or you just have a strong suspicion. What are you supposed to do? How can you tell if you should try to rebuild the trust with the guy you are dating or in a relationship with?  Check out this video to find out more!

What Do You Do When the Trust is Gone?

I think most of us have experienced the sting of infidelity, I know I have and it can cut you to the bone.   One of the worst things about being cheated on or the suspicion there of, is the loss of trust.  It seem at first like we lose trust in our partner but I think the biggest lost of trust is the trust we loose in ourselves. 

  Somehow trusting ourselves to believe what is right in front of our eyes can become a challenge.  You may ask yourself, “Can I trust what he is saying?” When the real question is, “ Can I trust myself to know what is true for me deep down, regardless of what he is saying?”  I know it can be incredibly hard, when your heart has been broken to determine what’s the right thing to do.  It’s this kind of  sinking feeling, it’s a feeling I like to call the yo-yo.   

 I call it the yo-yo because it’s that up and down feeling that you get when you don’t trust yourself.  It’s that back and forth that has you on the phone with your girlfriends, rehashing every gory detail, trying to figure out what to do.  The conversation in your head could go something like, “ Maybe the perfume I smelled really was his co-worker’s.  Maybe I’m overreacting.  But how could his co-worker get close enough for him to smell like her perfume?  He must be lying! But, what if he’s not?  Maybe I’m overreacting.  I just don’t know what to do!” 

It’s that place that we’ve all gone to when deep down we know what the truth is but we are either unwilling or unable to accept it at the time.  In that place it becomes easier to wait on him to tell the truth than it is to trust what we know is true for us. 

 So, how do you trust yourself to make the right choice when your head is swimming?  Should you leave, should you stay?  He says that it was a one time thing or worse, that it wasn't him at all! Maybe he says he’s sorry and begs your forgiveness.  And OMGoodness, PLEASE don't let him start crying!  What do you do?

It can be extremely helpful to take a time out.  To just pull back and give yourself some space.  It can be tempting to want to stay close and try to figure out what is happening in your relationship but what is probably going to be most helpful here is to figure out what is going on with you first.  So what is going on with you?   

This is a good place to stop and ask yourself a few questions. Hard question.  The kind of questions that expose the truth and leave no room for doubt.  Questions like, what am I trying to deny or resist dealing with?  What do I already know about this man?  What am I afraid of? What do I really want here?  Is it realistic, based on this persons past behavior, to expect that I can have what I really want in this relationship?  

Search yourself and trust what you find.  I know, this is not always the easiest thing to do, heck it is probably NEVER the easiest thing to do, but it is necessary if you want to have an honest, committed relationship. It can be so easy to confuse ourselves by trying to make sense of the situation or focusing our attention on him. To put the responsibility on him to “tell” us what, most of the time, we already know. I can remember telling myself that I was only snooping through my old boyfriend’s stuff, so I could finallyknow the “truth”, when the fact that I was snooping through his things was truth enough. Trust me; there is NEVER enough evidence to tell you something you don’t really want to know.  Lying to ourselves and allowing others to lie to us is only going to bring more heart break.

 Yes, part of this is about whether you can trust him or not but the bigger part is about trusting yourself and believing what you already know to be true within.  Know this, no one can tell you to stay or to go and if they did you are probably going to do what you want to do anyway, goodness knows I did.  People can support you and listen BUT no one can make the decision to do what’s best for you, only you can do that.  The choice is yours.  So I ask you, where are you NOT trusting yourself and what needs to change?

Are Women Too Picky?

While working as a hairstylist for 20 years I've had some of the most enlightening and intriguing conversations with my clients. I always enjoyed my clients and the animated and lively conversations that we had.  Needless to say we had some doozies!  Being a hair stylist actually plays a huge part in why I am a relationship coach today.   

 

In one particularly lively conversation, the question came up, are women too picky? And the conversation went wild! As you can imagine, there was a lot to say. One woman said," Preferably I want my man to be 6'4, have a six-pack and be easy on the eyes!"  Another woman chimed in, " I like my man a little rough around the edges, you know, have a little bit of rough neck in him. I don't want a nerd! Oh! And he must be able to dress!"  Someone else yelled over the melee, "AND he's got to have a job and a car!  I don't want a broke man!"  

 

I asked, what about personality?  Do you want him to be honest, caring, and compassionate?  What about him being a good listener, committed, loving and kind? "Well", one woman said, “I do want a man who is loving, honest and faithful too." But what if this honest, faithful compassionate man is not 6'4 with a six pack, then what? Now I, like any other woman, has my ideal, when it comes to a man.  But can holding to our ideals or standards too stringently cause us to miss out on love? I recalled a story my husband told me when we first got together. It involved a young woman he was dated before we met.  

 

He met this young woman on vacation. They struck up a conversation and hung out together.  They even decided to go out when I got back home. Now, I want to say here and maybe I'm a little biased, my husband is a catch. He's handsome, smart, articulate, financially secure, gainfully employed, I mean the list could go on. He loves to travel and loves life!  I have had more new and exciting experiences with him than I have ever had in my life!  So you can imagine my surprise when he told me the reason he stop dating her was drum roll please...........She asked about his shoes!

Now this sounds crazy, I know. But that's why they stopped dating. You see, they went out on a few dates and apparently he wore the same shoes. Not run overshoes, not shoes with holes in them, he just wore the same shoes a whopping two times in a row! So on date number two she asked, "Are you going to wear those shoes again?" And he decided that that was their last date.

Now when I asked my husband why he stopped dating her, his response what that she seemed to be more interested in him wearing the same shoes than getting to actually know him better.  And that was a turn off.  So instead of stringing her along, dragging out the inevitable or playing games, he decided to just make a clean break (integrity, another quality of a good man).

 

Now, I am a woman and I am 99.99% sure this woman has sat with her girlfriends at one point in her life and said, "There are no good men out here!" Yet, when one passed her way, she was concerned about his shoes.  It sounds almost too crazy to be true but it is.  And I think we women probably step over far more potentially wonderful partners than we would care to admit, for superficial reasons.

 So when asked the question "are women to picky"? My answer is yes and no. I think that sometimes we can be far too picky about things that don't matter and not picky enough about the qualities that do matter, when it comes to a man being a good partner. We can focus our energy on things like shoes, clothing, body type and the kind of car he drives which say nothing of a man’s potential to be a loving, compassionate and committed partner.

Where are you too picky about things that don't matter and not picky enough about what does matter?

 

Email Answer Monday-On The SoulMate Coach Crystal Show!

Exciting news!  I have a verrryyy special guest in the studio this week!  My husband or as I refer to him on FB, Tha' Mista!  He will be answering questions honestly and authentically from a male perspective.

This week I will be addressing exclusivity in dating and your boyfriend being friends with his ex.    Ever wonder when and how to bring up the topic of being exclusive when dating? And what should you do if boyfriend insists on being friends with his ex? Each of these can be sticky topics.  Have no fear, SoulMate Coach Crystal is here, along with my special guest Tha' Mista', will be addressing these HOT topics on this episode!

For more information on coaching services visit me @ www.SoulMateCoachCrystal.com.   Thanks for stopping by and Blessings.........Crystal