Why is it so hard to be vulnerable? I know that in order to have the kind of marriage I want, it's a necessity, but it can be sooo hard at times. The act of opening myself up and being willing to allow The Hubby in can feel like a fight at times. Especially at this time if year. You see, I'm less that a month out from the three year anniversary of my first husbands passing. There are so many memories that pop up at this time of year and so many fears as well. I truly believed that we would grow old together and then WHAM!
I know no one can really promise you forever. I know life happens BUT sometimes I want to pretend that it doesn't. I want to be absolutely sure that The Hubby and I will have many, many, many years of happiness. Actually, want I really want is a 100% guarantee that he will not leave, die, or get sick ever! Now, I know there are no guarantees but for some reason I want one here. So here I sit wrestling myself, trying to make sense of something that makes no sense at all!
And I guess that's my answer right there. Life doesn't make sense a lot of the time. So, sometimes I will want things that I want won't make much rational sense at all. I do, however, know that I still do have choices. I can choose to be afraid and pull back OR I can acknowledge that I am afraid and love anyway.
Hey, it sucks that my first husband left the house one day and never came home. And it hurt like hell ( sometimes it still does). But also know this to be true: I only get to actively live in the NOW and right now I have a man, a beautiful man, in front of me that I want to love with my whole heart and soul. So what does that mean?
There is no real way to make separation or loss hurt less, I can only make the best of the time I have. I know this first hand. Loving deeply, actually gave me a certain peace in letting go. Now that I thing about it, being willing to be vulnerable and love fully actually turned out to be a gift I gave myself. A gift that, I think, will serve me for the rest of my life.
So I'll continue to plug along. Doing my best to confront my fears and fighting to keep my heart open. In the beginning of this post I thought it is a beautiful gift I would be giving The Hubby but, as it turns out, I'm giving the greatest gift of all to myself.
Where have you allowed fear of loss, hurt or rejection to cause you to close your heart? What does it cost you when you are not be able to be vulnerable?
There is a Kathi Oates book that talks about healing your whole heart so you can move onward whole. Not fragmented. Very good book. :O)ReplyDelete
Thanks for the suggestion, Diane!ReplyDelete