The Greatest Gift of All

Why is it so hard to be vulnerable? I know that in order to have the kind of marriage I want, it's a necessity, but it can be sooo hard at times. The act of opening myself up and being willing to allow The Hubby in can feel like a fight at times. Especially at this time if year. You see, I'm less that a month out from the three year anniversary of my first husbands passing. There are so many memories that pop up at this time of year and so many fears as well. I truly believed that we would grow old together and then WHAM!



I know no one can really promise you forever. I know life happens BUT sometimes I want to pretend that it doesn't. I want to be absolutely sure that The Hubby and I will have many, many, many years of happiness. Actually, want I really want is a 100% guarantee that he will not leave, die, or get sick ever! Now, I know there are no guarantees but for some reason I want one here. So here I sit wrestling myself, trying to make sense of something that makes no sense at all!

And I guess that's my answer right there. Life doesn't make sense a lot of the time. So, sometimes I will want things that I want won't make much rational sense at all. I do, however, know that I still do have choices. I can choose to be afraid and pull back OR I can acknowledge that I am afraid and love anyway.

Hey, it sucks that my first husband left the house one day and never came home. And it hurt like hell ( sometimes it still does). But also know this to be true: I only get to actively live in the NOW and right now I have a man, a beautiful man, in front of me that I want to love with my whole heart and soul. So what does that mean?

There is no real way to make separation or loss hurt less, I can only make the best of the time I have. I know this first hand. Loving deeply, actually gave me a certain peace in letting go. Now that I thing about it, being willing to be vulnerable and love fully actually turned out to be a gift I gave myself. A gift that, I think, will serve me for the rest of my life.

So I'll continue to plug along. Doing my best to confront my fears and fighting to keep my heart open. In the beginning of this post I thought it is a beautiful gift I would be giving The Hubby but, as it turns out, I'm giving the greatest gift of all to myself.

Where have you allowed fear of loss, hurt or rejection to cause you to close your heart? What does it cost you when you are not be able to be vulnerable?

I am planning my first relationship workshop. It is called "The Relationship Essentials". As I am working on the exercises for the workshop so many different principles come to mind. One thing that is really jumping out today is the fact that a lot of times we want people, especially men, to acknowledge something we are not honoring ourselves.

As a newly married widow this trap is very easy for me to fall into. Because of the loss in my past I am very tempted, a times, to think The Hubby should understand the all the challenges that have come along with my loss. In the past, if he were running late and I couldn't get him on his cell phone I would begin to panic. I'd often work myself into a frenzy, imagining all of the terrible things that could have gone wrong. Then the second I new he was okay I would say to myself, "How could he do that? Doesn't he know what I've gone through! The least he could do is call. He's not even thinking about me!"

The truth is, as unromantic as it sounds, it isn't his job to figure out what I need. It is my job to figure out what I need and then tell him. These are my needs and if I am not going to acknowledge them why should he? How could he if he doesn't even know there's an issue? If what I need is not important enough to me for me on the table, is it realistic for me to expect him to do it? So I had to get real clear and ask for what I wanted. So when things calmed down I went to him and said something like this:

Me: "Is it okay if I tell you want I need so I can have fewer mental meltdowns on ya?"
The Hubby: "Sure" he chuckles.
Me: "Well, you know about my past and sometimes when I can't reach you it sends me into a tail spin. I am terrified that something horrible has happened to you. So by the time I do talk to you I'm scared, angry and spazing out."
The Hubby: "Tell me about it!"
Me: "Very funny. But seriously, not knowing if you're okay makes me feel scared and insecure and I want to feel safe and secure. So can we agree that when you are running late you will call me to let me know that you are okay? I'll agree to try to not spaz out when I can't reach and to work on staying calm unil you call me back"
The Hubby: "I had no idea that that is what was going through your mind! Yes, from now on,I will call if I'm running late."

Now it was a little more to it than that but that is the gist of it. I had to get clear on what I needed from him (the security of knowing he's okay) and then ask for it. Once I acknowledged my need so did he. And sure he's slips up occasionally but instead of working myself up I've learned to just call him to set my mind at ease. And if I can't reach him I have to work at staying calm and not allowing myself to get my britches in a bunch. I have learned that acknowledging and taking care of my needs is primarily my job, coming along side me and supporting me in what I need is his job.

Are you constantly expecting others to figure out what you want without you first asking for it? What do you need to acknowledge and then ask for in your own life? How could it help your relationship?

The Walmart Lessons

One of the reasons for my gap in posts is that the hubby and I went to Mexico for a week to celebrate our 1 year anniversary. I can't believe it's been one year already. Time sure flies.

In marrige one thing I now is that you are constantly learning and growing. At least I am. Hurdles are always out there waiting to be jumped. I experienced one of those hurdles on vacation. I'll call it the Walmart hurdle. Now, I don't have anything against Walmart I just didn't want to catch a bus to the Walmart in Mexico on my vacation. Now, you know the next part of the story had to be that the hubby wanted to do exactly that! He wanted to catch the bus to Walmart for groceries. I knew it made sense and would save us a ton of money on food(we had a kitchen in the time share), the bus ride was 30 minutes and I didn't really feel like it. After a few attempts to dissuade him failed, I conceded and decided to be a "good wife" and go to Walmart.

Well you won't believe it, not only was it a 30 min. ride but the bus was hot, sticky and over crowded. So I, being the "good wife" that I am, start asking slightly snippy questions and it went a little like this

Me: "Are you sure you want to stay on this hot, sticky over crowded but just to go to Walmart?"

He responds with a very quick and sharp, "Yep!".

I respond, "So you still think this is a good idea?".

With a steely resolve he says,"I sure do!"

Then silence. We were both right below the boiling point clinging desperately to the need to be right. AHHH, the seductive power of proving your point. As far as he was concerned, I couldn't just take a simple ride to Walmart for him. I was on the other side thinking he was just to stubborn to admit he was wrong. So we rode to Walmart in silence, avoiding eye contact with our arms folded.

By the time we got to Walmart the argument has escalated and I'm was heading one way(not a wise decision on my part at all) and he's going another. I can't help but laugh at my self now although it wasn't funny at the moment. But let me tell you I might have been mad but I ain't crazy and I didn't take me long to come to my senses. I was all alone walking down the street in Mexico! I very quickly turned around and made my way to Walmart.

After much discussion (aka arguing in the Mexican Walmart-Ha!) we finally got to what the "real point" of the argument was about. For me it was two-fold. I learned that the hubby needed me to accept and support his decision to go to Walmart (i.e no snide remarks along the way) or just simply say I didn't want to go at all.

His lesson was almost an accidental lesson and it was an eye opener for both of us. I really needed to feel protected by him. I didn't realize how much so until I was walking down the street in Mexico alone, I felt so unprotected. It actually surprised me! I considered myself pretty self sufficient woman but I realized I really needed to know that he would protect me (basically not let me walk away in a foreign country). Wow, I need to feel protected and watched over by the hubby, almost in a fatherly way. I can't believe I said that out loud but it's true. Maybe it's the little girl inside, heck I don't now what to call it BUT I know one thing, I need it!

So, the Walmart lesson is this, I will either say I don't want to do something or go along without gripping or complaining, this will take a little work but I'm on it. The Hubby has promised that even if I act a plum fool he will still look out for my over all well being and not let me do anything foolish (ex. walk away in Mexico). I guess this is just part of learning how out marriage works. We are learning to actively create the story of "us" as we go.

What are you "actively" creating in your marriage or relationship. What did your last argument tell you about your spouse or partner? What "lessons" could your arguments teach you?

Sorry

I am so sorry for the break in posts. I've had a lot going on BUT I am back now and my posting more consistently. Thank you guys for hanging in there with me.

The Messy Rawness of Life

Why is it that we have such a hard time with the rawness of life? The messiness, the lies, the harsh words, the hurt. Or maybe it's just me. Especially when it comes to my marriage. Not just my current marriage but especially my marriage to my late husband. It can sometimes feel like a struggle to admit that everything wasn't always perfect. To admit that I was and still am a real person with real struggles and that a lot of the lessons that I live by today came out of some of the stormiest times in my first marriage.

I owe a great debt to K (that's what I'll call him) for all that he gave me in those 16 years together. I learned so many things about myself and what it takes to be happily married. I learned precious secrets that I want to share with other women who want to experience happy marriages. I wanted to share a little of what I learned with you.

1. I learned that even when you love someone deeply it takes conscious and consistent work to stay connected.


2. I learned how to love someone, that I didn't give birth to, so much that my I thought heart would burst.


3. I learned how to hang in there and fight through betrayal, rage and sadness.


4. I learned that a passionate and even deeper love could exist even after betrayal if both parties are willing to do the work of rebuilding the marriage.
5. I learned what it was like to be loved despite my flaws and I learned to love him beyond his as well.
6. I am still learning how to let him go in some ways and carry him with me in others.

Reading this list lets me see just how much the painful times in my life and marriage have served me. I can see so clearly how those lessens help to guide me not only in my current marriage but my entire life. It is only now that I realize how blessed I am to have had the opportunity to learn these things. Although there was far more joy than tears and a whole lot more laughter than pain, it's the pain, I find, that cuts deepest. The beautiful thing I've learned is that the depth to which I experienced pain has created a new depth for experiencing joy.

Are you tempted to sugarcoat the struggles you face in you marriage or other relationships? Do find yourself saying, "Every thing's fine" when it's not? What needs to happen for you to find your joy?

The Power of Acknowledgement

Who wants to fight with their spouse or significant other? That might not be such a a good question! But seriously, although painful, arguments can also be a wonderful place to learn and grow. I have learned some really important things as a result of some really awful arguments. Let me give you and example.

I can have a very "Lucy in the sky" disposition. I like structure when it comes to work but otherwise I like to feel free and untethered in other areas of my life. Example: I plan to clean the house tomorrow. BUT if I wake up the next day and it's a beautiful outside, scratch cleaning, let's go to the park! Let the house take care of it's self. YIPEEEE! I'm off and running!

The Hubby, on the other hand, likes structure and order. There in lies my challenge. I found myself feeling resentful when he would try to bring some of his order to my life, to me it felt more like a strait-jacket! Life is to be lived! How can life be lived to the fullest on a schedule? How could he not get this? It's impossible, right? I felt stifled. Oh, and I argued my point and so did he!

He felt that order is a very necessary part of life and that life without it has no structure. And he needed structure. Order helped him to see what was working and what was not and where he needed to adjust. He couldn't understand how I couldn't see the benefits of order or why I resisted. On top of that, he felt that when I resisted his idea of order that I was actually rejecting him. That left him feeling unappreciated.

We were dead locked.

As I sat there, with my arms folded and lips poked out I began to realise something. As much as I didn't want to admit it, he had a point. I could use a little more structure in my life. I also began to see how he could have felt that I was rejecting him when I resisted his idea.

I've done enough "relationship work" to know that, despite the fact that I wanted to continue to argue my point, there was really only one thing I could do. *Deep breath* I had to acknowledge The Hubby's point. So, after more deep breaths, that's what I did. It went something like this," I'm sorry if you feel rejected and you have a really good point. I do need more structure in my life and I am going to try and be more receptive when you offer suggestions."

Then I sat and waited to see how it would land. After a few moments he apologized and acknowledged my feelings too! Can you imagine that! We were both honkered down ready to defend out points to the death (at least I was!) and a little acknowledgement turned it all around!


So as we continue to try to find the balance between too much and not enough structure, we've learned a very important lesson. Acknowledgement is powerful. I'm not saying that our arguments always go this smoothly but I have found that trying to hearThe Hubby's point of view and acknowledging it certainly goes a long way. Not to mention how great it feels when he does the same.

Are there any area's in your life where you know you need to acknowledge someone or something?

What holds you back? What could you discover on the other side of acknowledgement?

We Only Get One True Love?.........Really?

I have learned quite a bit in the last 33 months of my life. Becoming a widow and finding love again has brought many challenges and gifts. You see I had a theory before I became a widow. And that theory was "You Only Get One TRUE Love".

I truly believed that my first husband was the one and only love of my life and when he died my my time was up. Everybody said so. I saw it on TV and in movies. My family and friends even backed it up with, "You should be grateful, most people never even find what you had."

So, I sat around sad for a few months. Telling myself how greatful I should be and trying to accept that I would never feel love like that again. But as time went on something started to happen. I began to feel the urge to love again. And I'm not talking about some nansy-pansy, half and half love. I'm talking about some Jill Scott, Whatever Love. You know the kind LOVE that makes you smile when you think of him. The kind of Love that makes you close your eyes and hum to yourself. You know the kind of love I'm talking about!

Well, I was amazed to say the least. I was still in the throws of deep, gut wrenching grief but I knew I wanted to love and be loved again. And as hard as I was grieving, I knew that part of me would not be denied. I didn't quite know what to make of these feelings. I thank God that I had people in my life that assured me that these feeling were okay and encouraged me not to push them a side.

So, as I fumbled around with these feeling you'll never guess what happened.........I met my current husband. Imagine my surprise when all sorts of feelings began to pop up! Feeling I though were dead. Needless to say, my "one true love" theory was going to have to go.

As time went on I fell more and more in love with "the hubby". I began to realise that this love is just as true as the first love. People have asked me how could I love two men so deeply? I often respond with, "The same can you love two children so deeply. Having one child doesn't stop you from loving the next one just as deeply."

So these are two of the many lessons life has taught me:

1. My capacity for love is great. It runs deeper than I could have ever imagined.


2. From time to time I have to take a look at old ideas and mindsets and make sure they still belong in my life. My "one true love" theory was out dated and could have cost me the love of the beautiful man I am blessed to call my husband today.

When is the last time you checked your "theories"? What ideas are you carrying around that go unchallenged? My theory, left unchallenged, would have cost me a life full of love. What are yours costing you?